The Last Samurai

He said: So?

I said: What if a person called the Samaritans and they weren’t very helpful? What if a person kept doing the same thing day after day? What if a person kept riding the Circle Line around and around? What if there was a person who thought the world would be a better place if everyone who would enjoy seeing a Tamil syllabary had access to a Tamil syllabary? What if there was a person who kept changing the subject? What if there was a person who never listened to anything anybody ever said?

He said: Did you have anyone special in mind?

I said I was speaking hypothetically.

He said: And what exactly did you think this hypothetical CD could do for this hypothetical person?

He was smiling. He was strumming the strings of the piano softly.

I said: What if the person got off the Circle Line at Embankment, crossed the bridge to Waterloo, took a train to Paris and went to work for a famous sculptor?

He said: What, because of some stupid CD? What planet are you living on?

I said: The premise was that there were only 5 people on the planet who would buy the CD, obviously most people would not get off at Embankment because of a CD but maybe the type of person who would buy the CD would be the type of person who would.

I said

The type of person who thinks boredom a fate worse than death. The type of person who always wants things to be different. The type of person who would rather die than read Sportsboat and Waterski International.

Oh, he said. That type of person.

He picked out the Seven Samurai theme on the treble strings.

Better not take out an ad in Sportsboat and Waterski International then.

He picked the theme out in the bass.

I said

Look at it this way. You don’t have to make hundreds of CDs. You could just make 10. 5 for you and 5 for me. Then they’d be the only 10 in the world and they’d be valuable. Say we get £10,000 for the heart, say it costs £1,000 to make the CDs, say they sell for £1,000 apiece, we could either maximise our profits or we could even give one away if we happened to know the type of person who didn’t mind missing trains.

He went back to the treble. Ping ping ping PING ping ping PING ping ping ping

He did not seem to be finding the argument persuasive.

I said: I could teach you a language. Would you like to learn a language?

He said: What language?

I said: What language would you like to learn?

He said: What do you recommend?

I said: I could teach you to count to 1000 in Arabic. I said: I know about 20 languages so if there’s some other language you want to learn I might know it. I said: Or I could teach you the periodic table. Or I could teach you survival techniques.

He said: Survival techniques?

I said: I could teach you edible insects.

He said: What if I don’t want to eat an insect?

He went back to the bass. Dum dum dum DUM dum dum DUM dum dum dum

I said: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to come back in 10 years? For all you know it may be too late.

There was a short pause. He looked thoughtfully at the strings of the piano. I thought I was really getting somewhere.

He took his other hand out of his pocket and began picking out an arrangement of the samurai theme on two strings.

I did not know what to say. I said

You could play anything you want on the CD

He said

Or I could play something by special request. Any ideas?

I said

Well

Then I said

You could play something by Brahms.

He said

By Brahms?

I said

Do you know Brahms’ Ballade Op. 10 No. 2 in D major?

He said

What?

I said

Brahms’ Ballade Op. 10 No. 2 in D major? It’s part of a set.

He said

Yes I know.

He turned and rested his arm on the curved wooden side of the piano. He said

Do you know the rest of the set?

I said that was the only one I had heard because I knew someone who played it a lot but of course if he wanted to put the whole set on the CD he could because it was his CD and he had complete artistic control.

He said

I don’t know

I did not know what to say.

I said

I could teach you judo.

He said

I don’t know

I said

I could teach you piquet.

I could teach you Lagrangians.

I did not know what to say.

I said

Make this CD and I’ll teach you to play Straight No Chaser.

He said

Done.