The Mountain Shadow

‘Look,’ I said, ‘let’s get something straight. I just want to know what happened to Lisa. I want some kind of resolution, for Lisa, and for us. Don’t you see that?’

‘It’s a steep slide from resolution to retribution,’ she said. ‘And a lotta people rush off that cliff.’

‘I’m not the cliff-rusher type.’

She laughed. ‘I know everything about you, Lin.’

‘Everything?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘You do, huh?’

‘Test me,’ she purred.

I laughed, and then realised that she wasn’t kidding.

‘Really?’

‘Smoke the fucking joint,’ she said.

I smoked.

‘Favourite colour,’ she began, ‘blue, with green: leaves against the sky.’

‘Damn. Okay, favourite season?’

‘Monsoon.’

‘Favourite –’

‘Hollywood movie, Casablanca, favourite Bollywood movie, Prem Qaidi, favourite food, gelato, favourite Hindi song, “Yeh Duniya Yeh Mehfil”, favourite motorcycle . . . your current motorcycle, blessings be upon her, your favourite perfume –’

‘Yours,’ I said, holding up my hands in surrender. ‘My favourite perfume is yours. You’re damn good.’

‘Of course I am. I’m born for you, and you’re born for me. We both know that.’

A breeze from the sea ruffled through the room, announcing itself with a flourish of sheer, silk curtains. It suddenly occurred to me that I’d been in the neighbouring suite, years before, visiting Lisa.

Am I mad? Or was it just stupid not to say the words, not to tell Karla the truth: that I didn’t understand her relationship with Ranjit, that I hadn’t found the way to open the fist my life had closed over memories of Lisa living, and thoughts of her dead? I didn’t want to be with Karla wreathed in grief. I wanted to be free, to be hers alone. And that wasn’t going to be soon.

‘Lisa was –’ I began.

‘Shut up,’ she said.

I shut up. She lit the second joint, and passed it to me. She padded over to the small bar, grabbed a chunk of cubes from the bucket, and three-quarters filled a new glass.

‘You’re supposed to put the ice in first,’ she said, pouring vodka slowly over the cubes, ‘and add the Happy Mary with attention.’

She took a sip.

‘Ah,’ she sighed. ‘That’s better.’

She thought about things for a while.

‘It’s been a damn long day,’ she said to the ceiling.

‘What happened with Ranjit, Karla?’

She flashed a look from the angry part of the feminine divine. My heart got colder in my chest. She was magnificent.

‘What did I say?’

She grit her teeth, as if putting them on display.

‘You finally peer through your shawl of sorrows to ask about me, and what I’m going through? It’s moments like these, Lin, that give Fuck you such long legs.’

‘Wait a minute. I didn’t ask you about Ranjit before, and about why you left him, because I thought it was obvious. He’s a prick. I just wanted to know if there was anything specific. Did he threaten you?’

She laughed, pretty hard, and put the glass down. She came to stand in front of me.

‘Stand up, Shantaram,’ she said.

I stood up. She put her fingers into the front of my jeans, and curled them around my belt. She pulled me toward her.

‘Sometimes,’ she said, not smiling, ‘I just don’t know what to do with you.’

I had a few suggestions, but I didn’t get to make them. She shoved me back on the window seat, and sat down beside me.

‘It’s a week, for us, since Lisa died,’ she said, ‘but it’s only yesterday, for you. I get that. We all get that. And it’s freaking you out that we don’t seem to be getting how important this is to you.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Shut up. Kiss me.’

‘What?’

‘Kiss me.’

She put her hand behind my neck and drew our lips into a soft, brief kiss, then pushed me away again.

‘Look, this isn’t about Ranjit, and it isn’t about Lisa. I know your heart can’t let go of this, because I know you, and I love you. That’s –’

‘You love me?’

‘Didn’t I just say it, before? I’m born for you, and you’re born for me. I knew it the first second I saw you again, on the mountain.’

‘I . . . ’

‘But I also know all your weaknesses. We’ve got a couple of them in common, which is always a good start to any relationship. But I –’

‘Relationship?’

‘What are we talking about here, Shantaram, if it isn’t us?’

‘I –’

‘Back to your weaknesses. We’ve gotta –’

‘You’re my only weakness, Karla.’

‘I’m your strength. More than half of it at the moment, it seems to me. Your weaknesses are that you whip yourself with guilt and smear yourself with shame. I’ve been waiting for you to evolve, grow up, and grow out of it.’

‘Well –’

‘You’ve made progress,’ she said, stopping me with a raised hand. ‘No doubt about that. But you’re not there yet. You’ve got self-esteem issues –’

‘Well deserved.’

‘Funny. But it’s okay. Self-esteem issues? Lightweight stuff. Nothing we can’t fix. I’m homicidal. Nobody’s perfect. But Lisa’s gone, and no amount of self-flagellation will bring her back. If it would, I’d save you the trouble, and flog you myself. I might anyway, if you don’t snap out of it.’

‘Okay, so I lost the thread, there.’

‘Let Lisa go. At least around me. I just told you that I love you. I’ve never said that to any other man. If you weren’t so numb with guilt, you’d react.’