The pool of St Branok

"Be honest with me. Do you enjoy being with me?"

"Of course I do."

"More than with anyone else?"

I did not answer.

"Silence is construed as yes," he said.

I was thinking of it ... being with Ben all the time ... and going home. It seemed like paradise to me. It was the first time that I had admitted to myself that I had been so uneasy and apprehensive ever since I had met him again. I had tried to convince myself that it was due to the adventure we had shared—but it was not that. I wanted to be with Ben. If I were free ... if only I were free!

But I did love Gervaise. Who could help loving Gervaise? He had always been to good to me, and because of the weakness I saw in him, I wanted to protect him. Surely that was love. Perhaps it was possible to love two men at the same time.

Gervaise's love for me was tender and patient. That of Ben fiercely possessive and passionate. I knew in my heart that it was Ben I wanted. I also knew that I would never leave Gervaise.

Yet I allowed myself to indulge in fantasies. Going home with Ben ... I could imagine his facing them all ... making them see it his way. Ben would always win.

As we approached the house, he gripped my arm. "Please, Angel, you must realize this. If you don't you will spend all your life regretting."

"I am sure that if I did what you suggest I should do the same. No, Ben, I could not. I think you have not given this enough thought."

"I have thought of little else since you came here. I can't be happy without you, Angel. Can you ... without me?"

"I am going to try, Ben. I was happy enough before ..."

"Before you realized you had made a mistake?"

"I did not think of it as a mistake."

"When you knew that there would be no serenity in your life? There never will be, you know. This will always be there ... like a shadow over everything. There will be debts ... always debts. There is no other way."

"I am going to try to change it."

"You can't change people, Angel. They are as they are."

"I think one can overcome disabilities."

"Some perhaps. But not this one ... not when it has such a firm hold, when it is part of that person. I have seen it often."

"I daresay we all have our faults."

"I more than any."

"Well then ..."

We went into the house. It was silent. Jacob and Minnie would be with the revelers. Thomas was probably in bed and Meg would be dozing at Morwenna's bedside.

We stood in the hall and he put his arms around me.

"I want you here with me," he said, "now. I want reassurance. Angel, I will give up everything ... everything here ... I swear ... if you will be with me tonight."

"Oh ... no, I couldn't do that, Ben."

He held me tightly.

"It's important. Dearest Angel. I want to be sure. I must be sure ... tonight. I will give up everything if you will say yes. We will go home ... we will be together always."

He was kissing me and a terrible longing possessed me—not only for home but for him. I had made a mistake. I had taken good looks, courtly manners, kindliness, tenderness for love. It was not like that. Love was a wild thing that came to you when you least expected it ... suddenly; and then once it had taken hold of you, you were captured.

Life is strange. One must be in the right place at the right moment. And that was where it had failed me. Gervaise had been there when it should have been Ben; and I had mistaken the shadow for the substance, the dross for the gold.

It was too late. Too late. Those words kept echoing in my ears.

But was it too late? Living life to the full was taking opportunities. Nobody knew that better than Ben.

He was now saying: It is not too late. We do not have to accept this. We can change it all.

I was afraid. I felt my resistance weakening. I loved Ben. I wanted Ben. My reasoning told me that this was impossible and what he was suggesting was wrong, very wrong. One could not throw aside morality just because one had made a mistake and realized it.

I was calling on all my powers of resistance; but with Ben's arms about me and his face close to mine, I was afraid ... desperately afraid that my passionate need of him would rise above my scruples.

Perhaps it might have done. We were in this house ... all but alone ... together.

There was a sound above us. I heard a call. The spell was broken.

Thomas stood at the top of the stairs.

"It's Mrs. Cartwright," he said. "Meg thinks it's the baby at last."

The ordeal had begun. I hastened to Morwenna's room. Meg was very anxious and Morwenna was in great pain.

"I hope Mrs. Bowles won't be long," she said. "Thomas has gone for her. She is all ready and waiting so she must be here soon. Everything's ready. I'll go and get the water hot. They always seem to need that. If you'll sit with her ..."

Morwenna looked very pale and every now and then she writhed in pain. She was trying not to cry out. I did not know what to do. I prayed that Mrs. Bowles would arrive soon.