The Return of The Stainless Steel Rat

Which was easier said than done. Everything depended upon perfect timing rather than on speed. No panic, Jim. You know what must be done. My mind was calm as I leaned back and coolly examined the bottom of the dropping elevator. Closer now. Power off on my left boot, that's it. Hang backwards from the other boot and raise the left one over my head. The elevator dropped, appearing to go faster and faster. Right on top of me...

It was bang, crunch - and it almost killed me. As the metal bottom of the elevator hit my upraised boot I magnetized it and turned off the other one. My knee buckled at the impact and I slammed against the bottom of the elevator - then dropped back to hang, dazed, from the single boot.

There was no time for this kind of suicidal behaviour. Despite my muddled head I raised my other boot; it clamped tight. Then I bent at the waist, my hand with the thermal lance outstretched. The intensely hot flame roared out, slicing through the steel floor like butter. I moved it in a quick circle, trying to forget the bottom of the shaft that was rushing towards me.

There was a creak of metal and I pulled aside just as the circle of metal flooring dropped free and fell. Now! I let go of the thermal lance, ignoring the bash it gave me in the face as it swung from its safety line about my wrist. Reaching up and seizing the metal edge of the hole in my gloves. Switching off my boots at the same instant.

For an endless moment I dangled in the shaft. Then, with a single spasmodic contraction of my muscles, I hauled myself up and into the elevator.

Just as it hit the bottom of the shaft.

I just sat there for a few moments after that. Breathing deeply - and enjoying the fact that I was still breathing. Looking down at the buffers and the floor of the shaft just below the opening in the floor. I would have been squashed like a beetle in another second. That didn't bear thinking about.

"On you feet, James!" I ordered. "No rusty collection of silicon chips is going to out-think you. Act! Now! While the thing is still off its guard. You are but moments away from victory!"

I acted. Pressing the button that sent the elevator back up the shaft. Would it work? It did. The computer was not in command for the moment. I tore open the door of the control panel and counted the floors as we rose. Just a few more...there!

A blast from the thermal lance fused the controls and the elevator shuddered to a stop. Even as it did this I was pushing open the hatch in the roof and climbing out. The door to the computer room was just before me!

I did not waste time with delicacies. I simply burned off the door hangers and kicked the thing down. And dived behind it into the room, lance still flaring, ready for anything.

It was an anticlimax. The room-sized computer just chuckled to itself. Some memory discs whirred; lights flashed on and off in interesting patterns. It appeared to be completely unaware of my presence. I straightened up and turned off the flame.

I had penetrated the centre of its brain. It had no receptors here. Perhaps it was still wary. I walked forward cautiously - then stopped when I saw the small metal box of circuitry in the centre of the floor. A single red light glowed on its top. A large cable emerged from its side and squirmed across the floor to vanish into the computer. I leaned forward cautiously and unplugged the cable. The red light went out. I lifted the box and bounced it in my hand.

"I thought it might be something like this," I said aloud. "End of the insane computer."

I walked to the control console and pushed down on the access key.

"Yes," the calm, mechanical voice of the Mark 2500 said.

"You have sealed all of the airlocks?"

"Yes, I was issued overriding instructions."

"Cease this operation at once. And cancel any other abnormal instructions. Understand?"

"This operation is already completed. Normal operation resumed."

"Very good." I climbed out of my spacesuit. "Send out an announcement for all persons aboard the satellite to assemble in the rec room now."

I took the little metal box, but left all of my equipment, except for my pistol, then started towards the hall with the announcement booming in my ears from every loudspeaker I passed. The technician, Corona, was waiting outside the hall when I came up, his eyebrows lifted inquisitively.

"Are they inside?" I asked. He nodded. "Good," I said, handing him my pistol. "As far as I know this is the only weapon aboard the satellite. Stop by the door and cover me. I may need help. Do you know how to use this thing?"

"You bet! You can count on me!"

"Good," I said, entering the hall, my flank protected. I faced the murmuring crowd that was jammed in there and raised my hands for silence. "It's all over," I told them. "The danger is at an end."

"You've disconnected the insane computer?" Trina asked... awestruck?