The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"You aren't... you can't be..." "Happily for your sake-1 am! I am known by many names throughout the worlds. De rat van roestvrij staal, Ratinox, die Edelstahlratte, El Escurridizo, even un criminale al nichelcromo. At your service. Now tell me about your setup here, and what your plans are." "Simply and depressingly stated. We have no plans and are in a state of disarray. The secret police are too efficient. All resistance organizations are penetrated and destroyed even as they are formed. Ours is a new organization and already Flavia is known and in hiding. Since I see many tourists it was she who devised the plan to seek help from off our planet. I am ashamed, we are so feeble." "Best news ever. Gives me a free hand. Do you have any idea if there are others with like feelings?" "All of the peasants would like to kill President Zapilote and his army of secret police, the Ultimados as they are called. But they are powerless. The power is in the hands of the rich and the middle class, and they are the ones who support Zapilote all the way. Of course he is disliked by many of the old nobility who lost power when he took over, but they are not organized in any way." I had the glimmerings of an idea. "Nobility? Tell me more about them." "There is little to be said. It is from their ranks that I so shamefully come. I have an unimpressive title, of no importance. It is because of the title that I am trusted to meet with the tourists. Rank still has a few small privileges. Until that swine Zapilote appeared on the scene we had a peaceful monarchy on this planet. Admittedly it was inefficient and didn't work very well, but people had enough to eat and there was no murder or torture. But there was just enough unrest so that people listened when Zapilote began preaching his liberty and equality for all. It sounded good-but he meant nothing that he said. It was just words to him. But enough people had faith in him so that the democratic movement spread until even the nobility began to think that it was a good idea. The first elections were held and Zapilote became president. By the time he was up for re-election he had all of the corrupt generals on his side, as well as his secret police. With the help of the military and his Ultimados that election was rigged, and every one since then, every four years. Though apparently he will soon be up for election again he is in reality General-President for life." The idea that had been scratching away at my subconscious broke through at last and I shouted aloud with joy.

"Oh no, he's not! This planet is going to see an election like it has never seen before!" "What do you mean?" "We are going to find one of the old nobility who can be trusted, who is, hopefully, honest enough to want to run for office. Then we will make him a candidate for president." "But the election will be rigged!" "You had better believe that. Rigged by me! I'll teach these backwater-planet election-riggers a thing or two about crooked politics. We'll win in a landslide." "Can it be done?" "Just watch. But it is up to you to find us a decent candidate." He rubbed his jaw and frowned. "I must think." "Why don't we lubricate the thought processes with some ron?" "Wonderful. I have aged ron here that is too good for the tourists, if you will excuse my saying so, that you might enjoy. " I certainly did. I smacked and sipped and made yum-yum noises and we toasted each other and 'the coming new day and finally got back to work.