The Steel Kiss

“I don’t think that’s much of a journalistic subspecialty,” Rhyme said wryly.

“Well, Madino, the captain, he managed to purgatory the situation for a while.”

“Love the word,” Rhyme told her. “You end-ran it.” Pleased with his own verbing.

She smiled.

Rhyme liked that. She hadn’t been smiling a lot lately.

She returned to the rattan chair near Rhyme and sat. The furniture made its distinctive mew, a sound Rhyme had never heard duplicated elsewhere.

“You’re thinking,” she said slowly, “if I changed clothes at my house, which I did, and if I’m not staying here tonight, which I’m not… ” She cocked her head. “Why’d I make the trip?”

“Exactly.”

She set down her half-finished wine. “I came by to ask you something. I need a favor. Your initial reaction is going to be to say no but just hear me out. Deal?”

* * *

I wasn’t brave enough.

Not tonight.

I didn’t take Alicia to the Toy Room.

I debated, but no.

She’s left—she’s never stayed over—and I’m in bed, 11 p.m. or so. I don’t know. Thinking of the bedroom earlier: unzipping Alicia’s blue dress, the teacher’s dress, the zipper at the back. Modest. Bra was complicated, not to undo, but the structure. You would think she wouldn’t like the lights on, wouldn’t really want to look at me, want me to look at her, but Alicia isn’t comfortable in darkness. I think it’s because she’s wary of me. I can’t blame her.

Then my clothes were off too, my clothes like queen sheets on a twin bed. Her tiny hands moved fast as hungry hummingbirds. Truly deft. And we played our game. Love that. Just love it. Though I have to be careful. If I don’t think of something else, it’s over too soon. Trot out thoughts and memories: A steel chisel I bought last week, considering what it would do to bone. Dinner at my favorite take-out place. The screams of the victim recently in the construction site near 40° North, as the ball-peen hammer came down on his skull. (I take this as proof I’m not truly a monster. Picturing the blood, the snap, doesn’t make me finish faster but dulls me a bit.)

Then Alicia and I found the pulse and all was well…  until, damn it, the image of that police girl came to mind. Red. I pictured looking toward the screams from the escalator, seeing her, badge and gun and all, as she was looking toward me. Shadowed eyes, red hair flying. Looking away from the bloody escalator and the screams, looking for me, me, me. But, odd, though she gave me a terrible scare at the mall, though she’s as bad as the worst Shopper ever, picturing her as I pulsed atop tiny Alicia didn’t slow me down. Just the opposite.

Stop it! Go away!

My God, did I say that aloud? I wondered.

Glanced at Alicia. No. She was lost in whatever place she goes to at times like this.

But Red didn’t go away.

And it was over. Snap. Alicia seemed surprised a little at the speed. Not that she seemed to care. Sex feeds women many different courses, like tapas, where a man wants a single entrée to wolf down and wolf fast.

After, we dozed and I awoke thinking I was still empty somehow and thought about the Toy Room, taking her there.

Yes? I’d wondered. No?

Then I told her to leave.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Nothing more than those words.

And she left.

Now I find my phone, listen to a voice mail message from my brother. “Yo. Next Sunday. Anjelika or Film Forum? David Lynch or The Man Who Fell to Earth? Your call. Ha, no actually it’s my call. ’Cause it’s me who dialed you!”

Love to hear his voice. Like mine, yet not like mine.

I then wonder what to do with my wakefulness. There are plenty of plans I have to consider for tomorrow. But instead I fumble through the bedside table drawer. Find the diary and continue writing passages. I’m transcribing, actually, from the MP3 player. It’s always easier to talk, let the thoughts fly like bats at dusk, going where they will. Then write it down later.

These passages from the difficult days, the high school days. Who isn’t glad to have left those times behind? I write in pretty good script. The nuns. They weren’t bad, most of them. But when they insisted, you listened, you practiced, you pleased them.