The Taming of the Queen

‘You said there was plague?’

‘We went on progress and avoided all signs of it. It’s over now.’

‘I have secured his inheritance in France. Another city under English control. And we will gain more. This is just our foothold.’

‘It has been a wonderful campaign,’ I say enthusiastically.

He nods. He closes his eyes as the priest approaches and folds his big hands together like a child at prayer. His rosebud mouth opens, his big tongue rolls out as he takes the sacred bread into his mouth and swallows it in one great gulp. The server comes with the goblet and whispers: ‘Sanguis autem Christi.’

‘Amen,’ the king confirms, and takes the goblet and tips it and drinks deep.

They come to me. In the sacred silence as the priest holds up the wafer before me, I whisper in my heart: ‘Thank you, Lord, for preserving the king from the many dangers of war.’ The holy wafer is heavy and thick in my mouth. I swallow as the priest comes towards me with the goblet of wine. ‘And keep Thomas Seymour under your protection and in your grace,’ I finish my secret prayer. ‘God bless Thomas.’

The royal kitchens excel themselves with the victory feast. We sit down to dinner after Mass at ten in the morning and I think we will never stop eating. One great dish after another marches out of the kitchens, carried shoulder-high through the court: great golden platters piled high with meat or fish or fowl, golden bowls of stews and sauces, trays with pastries, massive constructions of pies. The centrepiece of the feast is a roast within a roast, a bird stuffed and packed into another bird: lark into mistle thrush into chicken. Chicken into goose, goose into peacock, peacock into swan and the whole thing encased in a castle of pastry wondrously made into a model of Boulogne. The court cheers and everyone hammers their knives on the tables as four men bear the pie on a massive tray through the hall to the king, and set it on a trestle before him. The choir in the gallery above the great hall sing an anthem of victory, and the king, sweating and exhausted by the marathon feast, beams with pleasure.

My clockmaker has made a miniature cannon of clockwork, and now Will Somers, prancing and leaping under the standard of Saint George, wheels it into the hall on its own little carriage. With enormous comedy, while people cheer and shout encouragement, Will approaches the tiny gold cannon with a little candle, pretends to shrink from it in terror, and finally enacts the lighting of the fuse.

Skilfully he touches a hidden button, and the little cannon spits a flame and ejects a ball with a bang towards the pastry walls of the pie castle. It is weighted, it is well-aimed: the tower crumbles under the attack, and there is a roar of applause.

The king is delighted. He hauls himself to his feet. ‘Henricus vincit!’ he bellows, and the whole court shouts back at him, ‘Hail! Caesar! Hail! Caesar!’

I smile and applaud. I dare not look across to the table of the lords, where Thomas will be observing this ecstatic greeting of a meat pie. Unseen, I pinch my fingertips to remind myself not to sneer. The court is right to celebrate, the king is right to revel in his triumph. It is my place to show delight, and besides, in my heart I am proud of him. I rise to my feet and raise my glass in a toast to the king. The whole court follows me. Henry stands, swaying slightly, taking in the adulation of his wife, of his daughters, of his people. I don’t look at Thomas.

Dinner goes on and on. After everyone has had a slice of the pie castle and eaten all the rest of the meat and the fish, in come the sweetmeats and the puddings, serving after serving of sugar maps of France and marchpane models of the king’s war courser. Fruit, dried and stewed, comes in pies and sugar baskets and great bowls. The voider course of dried fruits and nuts is placed on every table and sweet wines from Portugal are brought in for those who can bear to go on drinking and eating.

The king’s appetite is prodigious. He eats as if he has not had a meal since he left England. He eats and eats as his face grows redder and redder, and he sweats so much that a page stands at his side with a clean linen napkin and mops his brow and damp neck. He calls for more wine to be poured into his huge glass, he beckons dish after dish to come back to him. I sit beside him and nibble on little things so that we are dining together, but this is an ordeal that lasts all day.

I am afraid he is going to make himself ill. I glance across at the royal physicians and wonder if they dare to suggest that he finish this giant meal. All of the court have pushed back their plates, some have dropped their heads on the table, too drunk to stay awake. Only the king goes on eating with relish, and sending out the best dishes to his favourites, who bow and smile and thank him, and have to serve themselves and mime their delight at yet another dish.