The Wee Free Men

For today only: all major land masses and oceans

PLUS everything you need to know about glassiers!

One penny or All Major Vejtables Acsepted!

Tiffany had read enough to know that, while he might be a whiz at major land masses, this particular teacher could have done with some help from the man running the stall next door:

The Wonders of Punctuation and Spelling

1-Absolute Certainty about the Comma

2 –I before E Completely Sorted Out

3 –The Mystery of the Semi-Colon Revealed

4 –See the Ampersand (Small extra charge)

5 –Fun with Brackets

Will accept vegetables, eggs and clean used clothing

The next stall along was decorated with scenes out of history, generally of kings cutting one another’s heads off and similar interesting highlights. The teacher in front was dressed in ragged red robes, with rabbitskin trimmings, and wore an old top hat with flags stuck in it. He had a small megaphone which he aimed at Tiffany.

‘The Death of Kings Through the Ages?’ he said. ‘Very educational, lots of blood!’

‘Not really,’ said Tiffany.

‘Oh, you’ve got to know where you’ve come from, miss,’ said the teacher. ‘Otherwise how will you know where you’re going?’

‘I come from a long line of Aching people,’ said Tiffany. ‘And I think I’m moving on.’

She found what she was looking for at a booth hung with pictures of animals including, she was pleased to see, a camel.

The sign said: Useful Creatures. Today: Our Friend the Hedgehog.

She wondered how useful the thing in the river had been, but this looked like the only place to find out. A few children were waiting on the benches inside the booth for the lesson to begin, but the teacher was still standing out in front, in the hope of filling up the empty spaces.

‘Hello, little girl,’ he said, which was only his first big mistake. ‘I’m sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?’

‘I did this one last summer,’ said Tiffany.

The man looked closer, and his grin faded. ‘Oh, yes,’ he said. ‘I remember. You asked all those . . . little questions.’

‘I would like a question answered today,’ said Tiffany.

‘Provided it’s not the one about how you get baby hedgehogs,’ said the man.

‘No,’ said Tiffany, patiently. ‘It’s about zoology.’

‘Zoology, eh? That’s a big word, isn’t it.’

‘No, actually it isn’t,’ said Tiffany. ‘Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite short.’

The teacher’s eyes narrowed further. Children like Tiffany were bad news. ‘I can see you’re a clever one,’ he said. ‘But I don’t know any teachers of zoology in these parts. Vetin’ry, yes, but not zoology. Any particular animal?’

‘Jenny Green-Teeth. A water-dwelling monster with big teeth and claws and eyes like soup plates,’ said Tiffany.

‘What size of soup plates? Do you mean big soup plates, a whole full portion bowl with maybe some biscuits, possibly even a bread roll, or do you mean the little cup you might get if, for example, you just ordered soup and a salad?’

The size of soup plates that are eight inches across,’ said Tiffany, who’d never ordered soup and a salad anywhere in her life. ‘I checked.’

‘Hmm, that is a puzzler,’ said the teacher. ‘Don’t think I know that one. It’s certainly not useful, I know that. It sounds made-up to me.’

‘Yes, that’s what I thought,’ said Tiffany. ‘But I’d still like to know more about it.’

‘Well, you could try her. She’s new.’

The teacher jerked his thumb towards a little tent at the end of the row. It was black and quite shabby. There weren’t any posters, and absolutely no exclamation marks.

‘What does she teach?’ she asked.

‘Couldn’t say,’ said the teacher. ‘She says it’s thinking, but I don’t know how you teach that. That’ll be one carrot, thank you.’

When she went closer Tiffany saw a small notice pinned to the outside of the tent. It said, in letters which whispered rather than shouted:

I CAN TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU WON’T FORGET IN A HURRY

Chapter 2 Miss Tick

Tiffany read the sign and smiled.

‘Aha,’ she said. There was nothing to knock on, so she added ‘Knock, knock’ in a louder voice.

A woman’s voice from within said: ‘Who’s there?’

“Tiffany,’ said Tiffany.

‘Tiffany who?’ said the voice.

‘Tiffany who isn’t trying to make a joke.’

‘Ah. That sounds promising. Come in.’

She pushed aside the flap. It was dark inside the tent, as well as stuffy and hot. A skinny figure sat behind a small table. She had a very sharp, thin nose and was wearing a large black straw hat with paper flowers on it. It was completely unsuitable for a face like that.

‘Are you a witch?’ said Tiffany. ‘I don’t mind if you are.’