The Wit & Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister

The Wit and Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013 by George R. R. Martin

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Bantam Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

BANTAM BOOKS and the HOUSE colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

eBook ISBN: 978-0-345-53914-4

Hardcover ISBN: 978-0-345-53912-0

Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper

www.bantamdell.com

Interior design by Foltz Design

v3.1

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

On Being a Dwarf

On the Power of Words

On Romance

On Family Values

On the Human Condition

On Music

On Food and Drink

On Kingship

On Realpolitik

The Art of War

The Art of Saving Your Skin

The Art of Lying

On Dragons and Other Myths

On Religion

Other Books by This Author

About the author

On Being a Dwarf

All dwarfs are bastards in their father’s eyes.

—A Game of Thrones

What joy to be a dwarf.

—A Dance with Dragons

I was born. I lived. I am guilty of being a dwarf, I confess it. And no matter how many times my good father forgave me, I have persisted in my infamy.

—A Storm of Swords

Whatever you wear, you’re still a dwarf. You’ll never be as tall as that knight on the steps, him with his long straight legs and hard stomach and wide manly shoulders.

—A Storm of Swords

I have been called many things, but giant is seldom one of them.

—A Game of Thrones

The only thing more pitiful than a dwarf without a nose is a dwarf without a nose who has no gold.

—A Dance with Dragons

Pissing is the least of my talents.

You ought to see me shit.

—A Dance with Dragons

No one fears a dwarf.

—A Dance with Dragons

All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs.

—A Game of Thrones

I’m short, not blind.

—A Clash of Kings

Do you think I might stand taller in black?

—A Dance with Dragons

I am malformed, scarred, and small, but … abed, when the candles are blown out, I am made no worse than other men. In the dark, I am the Knight of Flowers.

—A Storm of Swords

Dwarfs are a jape of the gods, but men make eunuchs.

—A Clash of Kings

They say I’m half a man. What does that make the lot of you?

—A Clash of Kings

I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things.

—A Game of Thrones

The gods must have been drunk when they got to me.

—A Dance with Dragons

I only need half my wits to be a match for you.

—A Dance with Dragons

I had dreamt enough for one small life. And of such follies: love, justice, friendship, glory. As well dream of being tall.

—A Dance with Dragons

It may be good luck to rub the head of a dwarf, but it is even better luck to suck on a dwarf’s cock.

—A Dance with Dragons

On the Power of Words

My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer, and I have my mind … and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.

—A Game of Thrones

Duck has his sword, I my quill and parchment.

—A Dance with Dragons

When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say.

—A Clash of Kings

Sleep is good. And books are better.

—A Clash of Kings

Let them see that their words can cut you, and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.

—A Game of Thrones

Guard your tongue before it digs your grave.

—A Storm of Swords

Words are wind.

—A Dance with Dragons

On Romance

Shy maids are my favorite sort. Aside from wanton ones … but sometimes the ugliest ones are the hungriest once abed.

—A Dance with Dragons

My own father could not love me. Why would you if not for gold?

—A Dance with Dragons

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

—A Dance with Dragons

I plant my little seeds just as often as I can.

—A Storm of Swords

With whores, the young ones smell much better, but the old ones know more tricks.

—A Dance with Dragons