The Wit & Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister

I would prefer a whore who is reasonably young, with as pretty a face as you can find. If she has washed sometime this year, I shall be glad. If she hasn’t, wash her.

—A Game of Thrones

Sleep with Lollys? I’d sooner cut it off and feed it to the goats.

—A Storm of Swords

Your Grace, if you take my tongue, you will leave me no way at all to pleasure this sweet wife you gave me.

—A Storm of Swords

A dwarf’s cock has magical powers.

—A Dance with Dragons

On Family Values

A Lannister always pays his debts.

—A Game of Thrones

I never bet against my family.

—A Game of Thrones

Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage.

—A Dance with Dragons

I should say something, but what? Pardon me, Father, but it’s our brother she wants to marry.

—A Storm of Swords

My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit.

—A Storm of Swords

Kinslaying is dry work. It gives a man a thirst.

—A Dance with Dragons

Have no fear, I won’t kill you, you are no kin of mine.

—A Dance with Dragons

The man who kills his own blood is cursed forever in the sight of gods and men.

—A Clash of Kings

I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother.

—A Game of Thrones

Kinslaying was not enough, I needed a cunt and wine to seal my ruin.

—A Dance with Dragons

I have never liked you, Cersei, but you were my own sister, so I never did you harm. You’ve ended that. I will hurt you for this. I don’t know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you’ll know the debt is paid.

—A Clash of Kings

On the Human Condition

The gods are blind.

And men see only what they wish.

—A Dance with Dragons

Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what’s on the other side?

—A Game of Thrones

I think life is a jape.

Yours, mine, everyone’s.

—A Dance with Dragons

There has never been a slave who did not choose to be a slave. Their choice may be between bondage and death, but the choice is always there.

—A Dance with Dragons

Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities.

—A Game of Thrones

An honest kiss, a little kindness, everyone deserves that much, however big or small.

—A Dance with Dragons

Every fool loves to hear that he’s important.

—A Dance with Dragons

Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.

—A Game of Thrones

A little honest loathing might be refreshing, like a tart wine after too much sweet.

—A Dance with Dragons

We all need to be mocked from time to time, lest we start to take ourselves too seriously.

—A Game of Thrones

Men are such faithless creatures.

—A Clash of Kings

Age makes ruins of us all.

—A Dance with Dragons

We are all going to die.

—A Dance with Dragons

On Music

Never believe anything you hear in a song.

—A Storm of Swords

I have killed mothers, fathers, nephews, lovers, men and women, kings and whores. A singer once annoyed me, so I had the bastard stewed.

—A Dance with Dragons

If I am ever Hand again, the first thing I’ll do is hang all the singers.

—A Storm of Swords

On Food and Drink

I’ve heard the food in hell is wretched.

—A Dance with Dragons

I am not fond of eating horse.

Particularly my horse.

—A Game of Thrones

Being randy is the next best thing to being drunk.

—A Dance with Dragons

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life eating salt beef and porridge with murderers and thieves?

—A Dance with Dragons

Someone should tell the cooks that turnip isn’t a meat.

—A Game of Thrones

If I drink enough fire wine

perhaps I’ll dream of dragons.

—A Dance with Dragons

On Kingship

All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days.

—A Clash of Kings

My nephew is not fit to sit a privy, let alone the Iron Throne.

—A Clash of Kings

Crowns do queer things to the heads beneath them.

—A Clash of Kings

Kings are falling like leaves this autumn.

—A Storm of Swords

On Realpolitik

Some allies are more dangerous than enemies.

—A Dance with Dragons

You can buy a man with gold, but only blood and steel will keep him true.