Will You Love Me in September

"I am a free and independent man now," he assured us.

A week or more passed. Dickon had said nothing to me. Sometimes we went for long walks together and occasionally he would go alone. Once I saw him returning with Sabrina. When I asked if she had enjoyed the walk she told me she had and that she had met Dickon by chance.

Sabrina had changed. She looked younger than her thirty years; there was a new bloom on her cheeks. I had become used to her, but it was as though her beauty struck me afresh.

I should have known. I should have seen it. Heaven knew, it was obvious enough. But I had to hear them before I accepted it. I had been living in a false world of my own making. It was not real. I should have seen it.

I was coming downstairs and they were in the hall. They had just come in. I was about to turn the corner of the staircase, which would have brought me into view when I heard her say, "Oh, Dickon, be careful. What are we going to do?”

He said, "Clarissa will understand.”

I stood there, holding the banister, listening. It was almost as though I knew what they were going to say before they said it.

"All those years she has never forgotten. She waited for this, you know. I know her well ... none better. She loves you, Dickon. She always has.”

"I love her too. I always shall. But, Sabrina, I love you ... differently. Clarissa is a memory from the past. You are here ... the present. Oh, my beautiful Sabrina ...”

I turned and went quietly back to my room.

Fool! I thought. Didn't you see it? Didn't you know? You are an old woman, and he has been dreaming of a young one. You have lived your life. He came back to you .

. . for a dream ... and he found Sabrina.

That it should be Sabrina was a twist of the knife in my wound.

Could I see them happy together while I myself would be longing for all Sabrina had?

How could I bear to lose them both!

They acted well. They attempted to disguise their feelings for each other, but it was becoming more and more obvious. But perhaps it seemed so because I knew.

Sometimes the desire came to me to do nothing ... to wait. How could he ask Sabrina to marry him when I was there? This was the reason for his hesitation, for the haunted shadows in his eyes.

I struggled with myself. It was not easy. I had waited so long, dreamed too much. I could not give him up. Perhaps he would realize that. I could not see him married to Sabrina. How could I live near them and see them together, and yet how could I bear to lose them both?

You have your daughter, I told myself-Zipporah, who would live nearby and always welcome me to her home. I had my interests here.

No, I could not bear it.

I wrestled with myself. I knew what I ought to do, but how hard it was!

I awoke one morning with a strong resolve in my heart. I was going to be unhappy whatever happened. It was inevitable that I should be. I loved Dickon. I wanted Dickon.

I wanted to start a new life with him. I wanted Sabrina too; we had been together so long. What could I do?

I could see only one way. It was hard, but I took it.

I told Sabrina I must talk to her. She came to me uneasily, and I said, "Sabrina, I am in great difficulty. It's about Dickon.”

Her eyes opened wide and I could see the excitement in them.

"You know how I have always thought of him, dreamed of him.”

"Yes," she said quietly, "I know.”

"But things don't always turn out as one thinks they would. It's a mistake really to expect to be able to take up things where you left them off years ago.”

She was looking at me disbelievingly.

"Do you mean ..." She gulped a little. "Do you mean that you don't ... care for him in the same way?”

I lowered my eyes. I dared not look at her and tell this blatant lie, which was what I must do.

"I am fond of him. He has grown into a fine man ... but I have grown used to my freedom. I want things to go on as they have been. I want to stay mistress of myself.”

"I understand, Clarissa.”

"I thought you would. But how can I let him know? ...”

"He will understand, I'm sure.”

She was wanting to leave me, to go to him, to tell him what I had said.

I stood up. She was beside me. She flung her arms about me.

"Oh, I do love you, Clarissa," she said.

How happy they were! Sabrina had changed. She seemed to have flung off every one of those inhibitions which had plagued her from childhood. She was in love, and because she was no longer very young she loved with a great intensity. Dickon adored her.

That was obvious. He was a little worried because he was some thirteen years her senior.

"What is age?" I asked. "You are ideal for each other.”

My seemingly delighted attitude at the way things had turned out was a perpetual joy to them. They kept looking at me as though they were grateful and so delighted just because I did not want to marry Dickon.

I would smile brightly to hide the fact that I was brokenhearted. It was no mean feat, and I was rather proud of myself. It was only when I was alone in my bedroom that I allowed the mask to drop and sometimes wept a little in the darkness of the night.