Will You Love Me in September

"That does not make it any less tragic for us, madam. We want to know his daughter.

Lord Hessenfield is very anxious that she should visit us for a time.”

Damaris and Arabella exchanged glances. "We will think about it," said Arabella.

"Now, you will be tired after your journey. I will have a room prepared for you.

You will not want to start the journey back today, I am sure.”

"My dear lady, you are so good. I shall take advantage of your hospitality. Perhaps I can persuade Clarissa to come back with we. I am sure if she knew how much we are longing to see her she would agree right away.”

"She is a little young to make such decisions," said Arabella. . And again that insistence on my youth irritated me, and I think In that moment I determined to go to see my father's family.

Poor Damaris! She was most distressed. I was sure she thought that if I Went to the north I should never come back.

There were family conferences. Great-grandfather Carleton was all against my going.

"Damned Jacobites," he growled, growing red in the face. "There's peace now, but they haven't given up. They're still drinking to the King over the water. No, she shall not go.”

But Great-grandfather Carleton was not the power he had once been and Arabella finally decided that there was no harm in my going. It would only be a visit.

Priscilla was dubious and said I was too young to make such a journey.

"She would not be on her own," persisted Arabella. "She would have a considerable bodyguard. Jeanne could go with her as her maid. It will keep her French up to standard.

I always thought she shouldn't lose that.”

"And what of Damaris?" demanded Priscilla. "She will be so wretched without her.”

"My dear Priscilla," said Arabella, "she will miss the child, of course. We shall all miss her. We shall be delighted when she comes back. But Damaris cannot expect to keep her with her forever-just for her own comfort. She'll have to remember that Clarissa has her own life to lead.”

Priscilla retorted hotly, "You are not suggesting that Damaris is selfish, are you, Mother? Damaris is the sweetestnatured... .”

"I know. I know. But she sets such store by Clarissa. I know what she did for Clarissa ... and what Clarissa has done for her. But that does not mean she can stop the child seeing her father's relations just because she is going to miss her sadly.”

Priscilla was silent then. But the argument was continued later. Leigh thought that I should go. They were, after all, my relations. "And it is only for a visit," he said.

Jeremy was against my going. But that was mainly because it upset Damaris.

This was when I really felt closed in by them all, and I decided that I had a right to choose my own future.

I said to Damaris, "Aunt Damaris, I am going to see my father's people. I must.”

She looked sad for a moment, then she sat down and drew me to her. She looked at me very earnestly and said, "You shall go, my dear. You are right. You should go.

It is just that I shall hate to be without you. I want to tell you something. I am going to have a child.”

"Oh ... Aunt Damaris!”

"You will pray for me, won't you? You'll pray this time that I shall succeed." All my animosity had left me. I threw my arms about her neck.

"I won't go, Aunt Damaris. No, I won't go. I couldn't. I should be so worried about you. I tell you what I'll do. I'll wait until you have the little baby ... and then I'll go and see my father's brother.”

"No, dear, you must not think of me.”

"How could I stop doing that! I couldn't be happy if I were not here. I want to be here with you. I want to make some of the baby clothes. I want to make sure that you are all right.”

That settled it. I should in time visit the north, but it would have to be later.

It would be several months before I could set out.

Grandmother Priscilla was very pleased with the decision. She kissed me tenderly.

"It could not have been better," she said. "Damaris is so delighted that you want to stay with her. Pray God this time she will have a healthy child.”

So Charles Field went back with the promise that I should visit my relations in a few months' time.

We gave ourselves up to the preparations for the baby's arrival. At first Damaris was too much afraid of losing it to talk very much about it. But I soon put a stop to that. I had a feeling that to imagine the worst might in some mystical way bring it about, and I insisted on believing that this time the baby would live. I watched over Damaris with a care and tenderness which was greater because of what I thought of as my recent disloyalty.

Jeanne was very useful at this time. I was amazed at the change in her. When I had known her in France she had been obsessed first by the need to please in the hotel and later by an even greater need to exist when she was in the cellar. She had been careworn with these necessities, and they had suppressed her natural volatile nature.