X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him

Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui

It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking

Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat

* It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.

** My compliments to the chef-the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.

The Bestseller List-TABULA LIBRORUM VENDIBILISSIMORUM

Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget by Vitruvius

Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit

Toujours, Gaul by Julius Caesar

Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit

Eat Right-for that Lean and Hungry Look! by Cassius

Edi Recte-ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino

Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less by Cato the Elder

Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit

Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout by Mark Antony

De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit

Letters to My Cat by Pliny the Younger

Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit

What Color is Your Catapult? by Frontinus

Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit

Oracles Say the Darnedest Things by Livy

Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit

Entrail Reading for Dummies by Cicero

Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero

Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece by Virgil

E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit

Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet by Apicius

Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit

Latin for Trekkies-SERMO LATINUS SECTATORIBUS PEREGRINATIONIS ASTRALIS

Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!

Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!

We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent

Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat

Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.

Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.

It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.

Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.

We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.

Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.

We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.

In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.

We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!

Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!

To be continued…

Narratio resumetur…

Attack Ads-PRAECONIUM PROCAX CANDIDATORUM

Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers

Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis

Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills

Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt

* Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers