You Don't Know Me

They said maybe it would get better all on its own but probability was that it would always be more or less like that. But he said at the end with a half-smile like he was offering up hope, ‘There’s nothing to stop her from talking. Nothing physical that is. Just see if you can get her to come out of herself.’

He says it like that. Like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like there is some door that she can open in herself that can let her leave and speak again.

I had just got on the bus from the hospital and was still probably thinking about some nasty shit that needed to be done to Dad. Bless was still locked up in her own world. She still hadn’t said a word. She had been there in the hospital for a few weeks by then but still not a sound out of her. She just shut out the world and shut herself down. I didn’t know what was going to happen to her and so I was just as you would expect. Face down; lost in my own head.

The back of the bus, upper deck is my spot, or as near as I can get to the back. But because of all this, all that old shit didn’t seem to matter to me any more and I just chucked myself down stairs at the back and stared out the window. It was maybe fifteen twenty minutes later that I looked up and saw her sitting opposite me. She had her earphones in and was nodding quietly to the music that was buzzing out of them. She was just wearing this white vest and jeans but I couldn’t stop staring at her. Her eyes were closed and made it seem like she was dreaming. She was just there, eyes closed, a slight smile on her face and just, nodding to a beat in her ears.

I stared at her for maybe ten minutes. It felt kind of weird like I was looking through a keyhole at her. But I carried on looking. I couldn’t help it. I remember thinking that I would be okay as long as her eyes stayed shut. But just as I was finishing that thought her eyes snapped open and locked me down. Shit. Busted! Them eyes. Dazzling grey. Almost silver. When they on you. You can’t do nothing.

I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t say anything because them earphones was doing all the chatting. So in the end I just laughed. She raised her eyebrow and hooked a finger through the leads and released the buds.

‘What you laughing at?’ she goes. She definitely wasn’t impressed.

‘Nuffing man,’ I say, still laughing. ‘You proper caught me though innit?’

‘Ain’t you got nothing better to do than eyeing up girls?’ she goes and sticks her earbuds back in and snaps her eyes shut until it’s time for me to get off.

Ten minutes more she keeps them closed. There is no expression on her face at all. It’s just a blank. I almost nudge her to say goodbye to her when I finally had to get off, but I didn’t have the balls at that time.

On the walk home I couldn’t stop thinking about her though. She was hot but that wasn’t it. I just felt like I recognized her, or something like that. And that was how it was for the next few days. My mind was somewhere else. Even when I was in hospital I was thinking about her most of the time. Every time I got on the bus home, I sat on the lower deck, hoping maybe I would see her. I did that for ages without a single sighting even. I can’t tell you how depressing it was. One day though, my luck changed.

I was already sitting at the back of the bus when she gets on like the wind carried her. It was sunny and she was wearing the summer like it was clothes. Her skin was glowing, she had on this little checked shirt. She was fit no doubt. And, no lie, she kind of smelled like chocolate. This time I was ready for her though. I stuck out my hand and said hi. She looked at it like I’d just offered her a fish. ‘I don’t shake hands with strangers,’ she says, and put her buds in and shut her eyes.

I got off before she opened them again. I was proper gutted. She had been on my mind for days, then when I saw her I blew it. Shit. So I’m not like a kind of guy who just gives up so I spent a lot of time thinking about a plan so that if I saw her again I wouldn’t mess it up this time.

What I did was I kept this bit of paper on me in case I saw her. Truth be told I had this paper on me for ages on the off-chance. Then one day finally I saw her again when she got on my bus. This time I knew what to do. Only thing was that she was sitting two seats away from me and some great big fat thing was sitting next to her and I couldn’t get near her. I waited and waited though and when the other one gets off I make my move and rush in next to her on her two-seater. She didn’t even seem to see me but I turn towards her and give her the paper. She takes it, opens it and looks at me at last. Trapped in again. Them eyes.

‘What do I want to know your name for?’ she says.

‘So you can shake my hand innit coz you don’t shake hands with strangers. And you got my digits there in case you want to call me,’ I say and laugh. ‘See I got you. Little smile but still a smile,’ I add.