A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Clive James 1939– Australian critic and writer

Whatever Wells writes is not only alive, but kicking.

Henry James 1843–1916 American novelist, on H. G. Wells

a young admirer had asked if he might kiss the hand that wrote Ulysses:

No, it did lots of other things too.

James Joyce 1882–1941 Irish novelist

E. M. Forster never gets any further than warming the teapot. He’s a rare fine hand at that. Feel this teapot. Is it not beautifully warm? Yes, but there ain’t going to be no tea.

Katherine Mansfield 1888–1923 New Zealand-born short-story writer

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.

George Jean Nathan 1882–1958 American critic, of J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yoghurt.

Calvin Trillin 1935– American journalist and writer

Truman made lying an art form—a minor art form.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic, on Truman Capote

What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

A magnificent but painful hippopotamus resolved at any cost, even at the cost of its dignity, upon picking up a pea which has got into a corner of its den.

H. G. Wells 1866–1946 English novelist, of Henry James

She is so odd a blend of Little Nell and Lady Macbeth.

Alexander Woollcott 1887–1943 American writer, of Dorothy Parker

Writing

see alsoBOOKS, LITERATURE, POETRY

After being turned down by numerous publishers, he had decided to write for posterity.

George Ade 1866–1944 American humorist and dramatist

He writes so well, he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

Fred Allen 1894–1956 American humorist

If you can’t annoy somebody with what you write, I think there’s little point in writing.

Kingsley Amis 1922–95 English novelist and poet

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

E. L. Doctorow 1931–2015 American novelist

I suppose most editors are failed writers—but so are most writers.

T. S. Eliot 1888–1965 Anglo-American poet, critic, and dramatist

to Edward Gibbon, author of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire:

Another damned, thick, square book! Always scribble, scribble, scribble! Eh! Mr Gibbon?

Duke of Gloucester 1743–1805

No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

‘The cat sat on the mat’ is not a story. ‘The cat sat on the dog’s mat’ is a story.

John le Carré 1931– English thriller writer

Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.

Elmore Leonard 1925–2013 American thriller writer

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

Wilson Mizner 1876–1933 American dramatist

  I’m glad you’ll write,

You’ll furnish paper when I shite.

Lady Mary Wortley Montagu 1689–1762 English writer

It is our national joy to mistake for the first-rate, the fecund rate.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Youth

see alsoCHILDREN

It is better to waste one’s youth than to do nothing with it at all.

Georges Courteline 1858–1929 French writer and dramatist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

It’s all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can’t hear what they say?

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

The only way to stay young is to avoid old people.

James D. Watson 1928– American biologist

Being young is not having any money; being young is not minding not having any money.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist