A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Some word that teems with hidden meaning—like Basingstoke.

W. S. Gilbert 1836–1911 English writer

I had always assumed that Cliché was a suburb of Paris, until I discovered it to be a street in Oxford.

Philip Guedalla 1889–1944 British historian and biographer

It’s a damn poor mind, indeed, which can’t think of at least two ways to spell any word.

Andrew Jackson 1767–1845 American Democratic statesman

I understand your new play is full of single entendre.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist

Avant-garde? That’s the French for bullshit.

John Lennon 1940–80 English pop singer and songwriter

Hypochondria is Greek for ‘men’.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

They say the definition of ambivalence is watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Cadillac.

David Mamet 1947– American dramatist and director

The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouth they’ve been in.

Dennis Potter 1935–94 English television dramatist

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

Work

see alsoHOLIDAYS

A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn’t feel like it. An amateur is a man who can’t do his job when he does feel like it.

James Agate 1877–1947 British drama critic and novelist

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

Oh you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at the bar.

Drew Carey 1958– American comedian and actor

when criticized for continually arriving late for work:

But think how early I go.

Lord Castlerosse 1891–1943

Work is always so much more fun than fun.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

I never work. Work does age you so.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost 1874–1963 American poet

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Bruce Grocott 1940– British Labour politician

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Jerome K. Jerome 1859–1927 English writer

There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today.

Mignon McLaughlin 1913–83 American writer

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

C. Northcote Parkinson 1909–93 English writer

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?

Ronald Reagan 1911–2004 American Republican statesman

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Gloria Steinem 1934– American journalist

You learn a lot about yourself, doing physical work. And what I learned about myself was that I didn’t like doing physical work.

Rod Stewart 1945– British pop singer and songwriter

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Writers

see alsoLITERATURE, POETS

Wanting to know an author because you like his work is like wanting to know a duck because you like pâté.

Margaret Atwood 1939– Canadian novelist

He’s always backing into the limelight.

Lord Berners 1883–1950 English composer, artist, and writer, of T. E. Lawrence

of the vegetarian George Bernard Shaw:

If you give him meat no woman in London will be safe.

Mrs Patrick Campbell 1865–1940 English actress

Oh, Jack Kerouac—that isn’t writing, it’s typing.

Truman Capote 1924–84 American writer

A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven’t.

Irvin S. Cobb 1876–1944 American writer

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.

Peter De Vries 1910–93 American novelist

An author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother who talks about her own children.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

on Henry James:

He had a mind so fine no idea could violate it.

T. S. Eliot 1888–1965 American-born British poet, critic, and dramatist

The mama of dada.

Clifton Fadiman 1904–99 American critic, of Gertrude Stein

The nicest old lady I ever met.

William Faulkner 1897–1962 American novelist, of Henry James

The book of my enemy has been remaindered

And I rejoice.