A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Clare Booth Luce 1903–87 American diplomat, politician, and writer

Who was that lady I saw you with last night?

She ain’t no lady; she’s my wife.

Joe Weber 1867–1942 and Lew Fields 1867–1941 American comedians

Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder.

Thornton Wilder 1897–1975 American novelist and dramatist

There are men who fear repartee in a wife more keenly than a sword.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Women and Woman’s Role

see alsoFEMINISM, MEN AND WOMEN

We women do talk too much, but even then we don’t tell half we know.

Nancy Astor 1879–1964 American-born British Conservative politician

I believe a woman’s place is in the home—or anyway in some cosy nightclub.

Lucille Ball 1911–89 American actress

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

Roseanne Barr 1952– American comedienne and actress

A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be and the most pleasurable to have and to hold.

Julie Burchill 1960– English journalist and writer

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.

Cher 1946– American singer and actress

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Irina Dunn 1948– Australian writer and politician

Women are like elephants to me; I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

She had the loaded handbag of someone who camps out and seldom goes home.

Mavis Gallant 1922–2014 Canadian writer

Nothing is ever so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can’t set it right in the course of an afternoon.

Jean Giraudoux 1882–1944 French dramatist

The Conservative Establishment has always treated women as nannies, grannies and fannies.

Teresa Gorman 1931–2015 British Conservative politician

Every woman should have four pets in her life: a mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass who pays for everything.

Paris Hilton 1981– American heiress

A woman’s preaching is like a dog’s walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

GROUCHO MARX: Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honour ... which is probably more than she ever did.

Bert Kalmar 1884–1947 and others screenwriters, in the film Duck Soup

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin 1945– American comedian

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

A woman seldom writes her mind but in her postscript.

Richard Steele 1672–1729 Irish-born essayist and dramatist

We are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

Gloria Steinem 1934– American journalist

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman’s pulse.

Laurence Sterne 1713–68 English novelist

She was a blonde—with a brunette past.

Gwyn Thomas 1913–81 Welsh novelist and dramatist

When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body.

John Vanbrugh 1664–1726 English architect and dramatist

You may admire a girl’s curves on first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Wordplay

seeWITand Wordplay

Words

see alsoLANGUAGE

WOODY ALLEN: The most beautiful words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘It’s benign’.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Deconstructing Harry

It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.

Bill Clinton 1946– American Democratic statesman, evidence to the grand jury, when questioned in relation to Monica Lewinsky

Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer