A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Michael Fish 1944– British weather forecaster, weather forecast on the night before catastrophic gales in southern England

The weather is like the Government, always in the wrong.

Jerome K. Jerome 1859–1927 English writer

When two Englishmen meet, their first talk is of the weather.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

The most serious charge which can be brought against New England is not Puritanism but February.

Joseph Wood Krutch 1893–1970 American critic and naturalist

It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

Thank heavens, the sun has gone in, and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

It was the wrong kind of snow.

Terry Worrall British spokesman for British Rail, explaining disruption on British Rail

Weddings

see alsoMARRIAGE

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

George Ade 1866–1944 American humorist and dramatist

Egghead weds hourglass.

Anonymous, on the marriage of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe

to guests as they arrived at the reception given for a smart society wedding:

Don’t go upstairs. The bride’s hideous.

Margot Asquith 1864–1945 British political hostess

It’s pretty easy. Just say ‘I do’ whenever anyone asks you a question.

Richard Curtis 1956– British comedy scriptwriter, advice to a prospective bridegroom, in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral

We had a civil ceremony—his mother couldn’t come.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress, on her wedding

A bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Altar. Hymn.

Frank Muir 1920–98 English writer and broadcaster

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar—a custom which is still continued.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

You can always surprise your husband on your anniversary just by mentioning it.

Al Schock 1920–2009 American businessman

Wine

see alsoCHAMPAGNE, DRINK

of claret:

It would be port if it could.

Richard Bentley 1662–1742 English classical scholar

when the Queen accepted a second glass of wine at lunch:

Do you think it’s wise, darling? You know you’ve got to rule this afternoon.

Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother 1900–2002

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to food.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

A good general rule is to state that the bouquet is better than the taste, and vice versa.

Stephen Potter 1900–69 British writer, on wine-tasting

It’s the old wine ramp, vicar! Cheapish, reddish and Spanish.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

It’s a naïve domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption.

James Thurber 1894–1961 American humorist

Poor wine at the table of a rich host is an insult without an apology.

Johann Georg Zimmerman 1728–95 Swiss physician and writer

Wit and Wordplay

see alsoHUMOUR, PUNS

review of the film musical You Were Meant For Me:

That’s what you think.

James Agee 1909–55 American writer

version of an old joke:

VICTOR LEWIS SMITH: You clearly don’t know the difference between a Joist and a Girder.

IRISH BUILDER: Yes I do. Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.

Anonymous

My problem was that I was always missing. Miss World, Miss England, Miss UK ...

George Best 1946–2005 Northern Irish footballer

I’m a trisexual. I’ll try anything once.

Jenny Bicks

on being told he should not marry anyone as plain as his fiancée:

My dear fellow, buggers can’t be choosers.

Maurice Bowra 1898–1971 English scholar and literary critic

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. It should be served in small elegant portions; never spread it about like marmalade.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

to an author who had presented him with an unwelcome book:

Many thanks. I shall lose no time in reading it.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

to a footman who had accidentally spilt cream over him:

My good man, I’m not a strawberry!