A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Arnold Schwarzenegger 1947– Austrian-born American actor and Republican politician

I can’t see who’s in the lead but it’s either Oxford or Cambridge.

John Snagge 1904–96 English sports commentator, on the Boat Race

I don’t have time to sit down and write. When I think of a melody, I call my answering machine and sing it.

Britney Spears 1981– American pop singer

We have become a grandmother.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.

Donald Trump 1946– American businessman and Republican statesman

The Universe

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

Alfonso, King of Castile 1221–84

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER’.

William S. Burroughs 1914–97 American novelist

Now, my own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.

J. B. S. Haldane 1892–1964 Scottish mathematical biologist

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

Fred Hoyle 1915–2001 English astrophysicist

I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse 1928–2003 English entertainer

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.

Dan Quayle 1947– American Republican politician

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson 1958– American cartoonist

Virtue and Vice

see alsoMORALITY

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.

Maya Angelou 1928–2014 American writer

I’m as pure as the driven slush.

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown 1944– American novelist and poet

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803–82 American philosopher and poet

Of the seven deadly sins, only envy is no fun at all.

Joseph Epstein 1937– American writer

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer, it just seems longer.

Clement Freud 1924–2009 English politician, broadcaster, and writer

But if he does really think that there is no distinction between virtue and vice, why, Sir, when he leaves our houses, let us count our spoons.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.

C. S. Lewis 1898–1963 English literary scholar and writer

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress

When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

I used to be Snow White ... but I drifted.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

To err is human—but it feels divine.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Wales

It profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world ... But for Wales—!

Robert Bolt 1924–95 English dramatist

I am Anglo Welsh. My grandparents were Anglo Welsh. My parents were Anglo Welsh; indeed my parents burned down their own cottage.

Gyles Brandreth 1948– English writer and broadcaster

The land of my fathers. My fathers can have it.

Dylan Thomas 1914–53 Welsh poet

‘I often think,’ he continued, ‘that we can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales!’

Evelyn Waugh 1903–66 English novelist

War

see alsoARMED FORCES

DAVID MITCHELL: War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.

Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain 1971– British screenwriters, in Peep Show

Well, if you knows of a better ’ole, go to it.

Bruce Bairnsfather 1888–1959 British cartoonist