A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

They used to say that Cambridge was the first stopping place for the wind that swept down from the Urals: in the thirties that was as true of the politics as the weather.

Stephen Fry 1957– English comedian, actor, and writer

The people of Berlin are doing very exciting things with their city at the moment. Basically they had this idea of just knocking it through.

Stephen Fry 1957– and Hugh Laurie 1959– 

Liverpool, though not very delightful as a place of residence, is a most convenient and admirable point to get away from.

Nathaniel Hawthorne 1804–64 American novelist

Taunton is no longer a one-horse town; these days, they have a bicycle as well.

Tom Holt 1961– English novelist

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English lexicographer

According to legend, Telford is so dull that the bypass was built before the town.

Victor Lewis-Smith British television producer

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

Mignon McLaughlin 1913–83 American writer

sitting in a New York bar in the 1940s:

Oh, to be back in Hollywood, wishing I was back in New York.

Herman J. Mankiewicz 1897–1953 American screenwriter

When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.

Bette Midler 1945– American actress

Saigon is like all the other great modern cities of the world. It’s the mess left over from people getting rich.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

City of perspiring dreams.

Frederic Raphael 1931– British novelist, of Cambridge

Toronto is a kind of New York operated by the Swiss.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor

Transport

Railways and the Church have their critics, but both are the best ways of getting a man to his ultimate destination.

Revd W. Awdry 1911–97 English writer of children’s books

Q: If Mrs Thatcher were run over by a bus ... ?

LORD CARRINGTON: It wouldn’t dare.

Lord Carrington 1919– British Conservative politician

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

I prefer to travel on French ships because there is none of that ‘women and children first’ nonsense.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Sir, Saturday morning, although recurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always seems to take this railway by surprise.

W. S. Gilbert 1836–1911 English writer

There is nothing—absolutely nothing—half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

Kenneth Grahame 1859–1932 Scottish-born writer

seeing the Morris Minor prototype in 1945:

It looks like a poached egg—we can’t make that.

Lord Nuffield 1877–1963 British motor manufacturer and philanthropist

What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.

Punch 1841–1992 English humorous weekly periodical

I don’t even like old cars. I mean they don’t even interest me. I’d rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God’s sake.

J. D. Salinger 1919–2010 American novelist and short-story writer

Walk! Not bloody likely. I am going in a taxi.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Travel

A trip is what you take when you can’t take any more of what you’ve been taking.

Adeline Ainsworth

In America there are two classes of travel—first class, and with children.

Robert Benchley 1889–1945 American humorist

The longer the cruise, the older the passengers.

Peg Bracken 1918–2007 American writer

Polar exploration is at once the cleanest and most isolated way of having a bad time which has been devised.

Apsley Cherry-Garrard 1882–1959 English polar explorer

They say travel broadens the mind; but you must have the mind.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

on his arrival in Turkey:

I am of course known here as English Delight.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

At my age travel broadens the behind.

Stephen Fry 1957– English comedian, actor, and writer

Abroad is bloody.

George VI 1895–1952 British king

on the Giant’s Causeway:

Worth seeing, yes; but not worth going to see.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English lexicographer

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.

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