A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

There’s no deodorant like success.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

Darin Weinberg

Moderation is a fatal thing, Lady Hunstanton. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Taxes

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Peg Bracken 1918–2007 American writer

Mansions can’t run away to Switzerland.

Vince Cable 1943– British Liberal Democrat politician, on taxing the homes of the wealthy

It was as true ... as taxes is. And nothing’s truer than them.

Charles Dickens 1812–70 English novelist

Why sir, there is every possibility that you will soon be able to tax it!

Michael Faraday 1791–1867 English physicist and chemist, to Gladstone, when asked about the usefulness of electricity

Excise. A hateful tax levied upon commodities.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum of moo.

Terry Pratchett 1948–2015 English fantasy writer

Income Tax has made more Liars out of the American people than Golf.

Will Rogers 1879–1935 American actor and humorist

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Technology

see alsoPROGRESS, SCIENCE

When man wanted to make a machine that would walk he created the wheel, which does not resemble a leg.

Guillaume Apollinaire 1880–1918 French poet

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories—those that don’t work, those that break down, and those that get lost.

Russell Baker 1925– American journalist and columnist

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Paul Ralph Ehrlich 1932– American biologist

Technology ... the knack of so arranging the world that we need not experience it.

Max Frisch 1911–91 Swiss novelist and dramatist

If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobel 1919–91 American comedian

The itemised phone bill ranks up there with suspender belts, Sky Sports Channels and Loaded magazine as inventions women could do without.

Maeve Haran 1932– British writer

The thing with high-tech is that you always end up using scissors.

David Hockney 1937– British artist

Our toaster works on either AC or DC but not on bread. It has two settings—too soon or too late.

Sam Levenson 1911–80 American humorist

Xerox: a trademark for a photocopying device that can make rapid reproductions of human error, perfectly.

Merle L. Meacham

No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Bob Monkhouse 1928–2003 English entertainer

Telegrams

telegraph message on arriving in Venice:

STREETS FLOODED. PLEASE ADVISE.

Robert Benchley 1889–1945 American humorist

appeal to his wife:

AM IN MARKET HARBOROUGH. WHERE OUGHT I TO BE?

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

HAVE MOVED HOTEL EXCELSIOR COUGHING MYSELF INTO A FIRENZE.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer, telegram from Florence

sent by W. G. Grace’s elder brother, a cricket-playing coroner, to postpone an inquest:

PUT CORPSE ON ICE TILL CLOSE OF PLAY.

E. M. Grace 1841–1911 English cricketer

response to a telegraphic enquiry, HOW OLD CARY GRANT?:

OLD CARY GRANT FINE. HOW YOU?

Cary Grant 1904–86 British-born American actor

an estate agent in Bermuda told her that the house she was considering came with a maid, a secretary, and a chauffeur:

AIRMAIL PHOTOGRAPH OF CHAUFFEUR.

Beatrice Lillie 1894–1989 Canadian-born comedienne