A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Many’s the long night I’ve dreamed of cheese—toasted, mostly.

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850–94 Scottish novelist

There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Snobbery

see alsoCLASS

Vulgarity has its uses. Vulgarity often cuts ice which refinement scrapes at vainly.

Max Beerbohm 1872–1956 English critic, essayist, and caricaturist

From Poland to polo in one generation.

Arthur Caesar 1892–1953 American screenwriter, of Darryl Zanuck

The trouble with Michael is that he had to buy all his furniture.

Michael Jopling 1930– British Conservative politician, of Michael Heseltine

Thank goodness for Tesco. It keeps the riff-raff out of Waitrose.

Royce Mills 1942– English actor

on being told that Clare Boothe Luce was always kind to her inferiors:

And where does she find them?

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for titles, except perhaps that of the titled for riches.

Hesketh Pearson 1887–1964 English actor and biographer

You can be in the Horseguards and still be common, dear.

Terence Rattigan 1911–77 English dramatist

Good God! I’ve never drunk a vintage that starts with the number two before.

Nicholas Soames 1948– British Conservative politician

Whenever he met a great man he grovelled before him, and my-lorded him as only a free-born Briton can do.

William Makepeace Thackeray 1811–63 English novelist

Society and Social Life

see alsoPARTIES

It was a delightful visit;—perfect, in being much too short.

Jane Austen 1775–1817 English novelist

I’m a man more dined against than dining.

Maurice Bowra 1898–1971 English scholar and literary critic

In London, at the Café de Paris, I sang to café society; in Las Vegas, at the Desert Inn, I sang to Nescafé society.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

The truly free man is the one who will turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Jules Renard 1864–1910 French novelist and dramatist

All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other peoples’.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

MENDOZA: I am a brigand: I live by robbing the rich.

TANNER: I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

GERALD: I suppose society is wonderfully delightful!

LORD ILLINGWORTH: To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it simply a tragedy.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Songs and Singing

see alsoOPERA

Today if something is not worth saying, people sing it.

Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais 1732–99 French dramatist

I love to sing. And I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian

Swans sing before they die: ’twere no bad thing

Should certain persons die before they sing.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1772–1834 English poet, critic, and philosopher

People never talked about my music. They just counted how many knickers were on the stage.

Tom Jones 1940– Welsh pop singer

refusing to accept further changes to lyrics:

Call me Miss Birdseye. This show is frozen!

Ethel Merman 1909–84 American singer and actress

‘Who wrote that song?’

‘Rodgers and Hammerstein. If you can imagine it taking two men to write one song.’

Cole Porter 1891–1964 American songwriter, of ‘Some Enchanted Evening’

Tenors are usually short, stout men (except when they are Wagnerian tenors, in which case they are large, stout men).

Harold Schonberg 1915–2003 American music critic

the president of CBS Records to Leonard Cohen:

Leonard, we know you’re great, but we don’t know if you’re any good.

Walter Yetnikoff 1933– American businessman

Speeches

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going.

Lord Birkett 1883–1962 English judge

If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.

Calvin Coolidge 1872–1933 American Republican statesman

Strong message here.

Jeremy Corbyn 1949– British Labour politician, reading out the autocue instruction