A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

What’s the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

Maureen Lipman 1946– English actress

on lesbianism:

I can understand two men. There is something to get hold of. But how do two insides make love?

Lydia Lopokova 1892–1981 Russian ballerina

Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you’ve got and 50 per cent what people think you’ve got.

Sophia Loren 1934– Italian actress

What’s a promiscuous person? It’s usually someone who is getting more sex than you are.

Victor Lownes 1928–2017 American businessman

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

Not tonight, Josephine.

Napoleon I 1769–1821 French emperor

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.

Frederic Raphael 1931– British novelist and screenwriter

My life has been one long descent into respectability.

Mandy Rice-Davies 1944–2014 English model and showgirl, on life after the ‘Profumo Affair’ sex scandal

It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

There are times when a woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.

Gloria Steinem 1934– American journalist

I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I’d sooner go to my dentist any day.

Evelyn Waugh 1903–66 English novelist

Why don’t you come up sometime, and see me?

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress, usually quoted as, ‘Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?’

It’s not the men in my life that counts—it’s the life in my men.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Sickness and Health

see alsoEXERCISE, MEDICINE

You know my father died of cancer when I was a teenager. He had it before it became popular.

Goodman Ace 1899–1982 American humorist

My Mum told us that only special people get cancer. I must be very special because I’ve had it in my lungs and my bladder as well.

Caroline Aherne 1963–2016 British comic actress and writer

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don’t deserve that either.

Jack Benny 1894–1974 American comedian

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

George Best 1946–2005 Northern Irish footballer

Health ... what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

Besides death, constipation is the big fear in hospitals.

Robert McCrum 1953– British writer

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin 1973– American comedian

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

Jackie Mason 1931– American comedian

on her replacement hips and knee:

I’m Dorothy’s daughter up top and the Tin Man down below.

Liza Minelli 1946– American actress and singer

Varicose veins are the result of an improper selection of grandparents.

William Osler 1849–1919 Canadian-born physician

A man is as old as his arteries.

Thomas Sydenham 1624–89 English physician

on hearing that Peter Sellers had suffered a heart attack:

What do you mean, heart attack? You’ve got to have a heart before you can have an attack.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Singing

seeSONGSand Singing

Sleep and Dreams

Sleep is when all the unsorted stuff comes flying out as from a dustbin upset in a high wind.

William Golding 1911–93 English novelist

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’’Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Charles Monroe Schulz 1922–2000 American cartoonist