A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

There are few more impressive sights in the world than a Scotsman on the make.

J. M. Barrie 1860–1937 Scottish writer and dramatist

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.

Billy Connolly 1942– Scottish comedian

Sir, let me tell you, the noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England!

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

No McTavish

Was ever lavish.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

That knuckle-end of England—that land of Calvin, oat-cakes, and sulphur.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Secrecy

The best leaks always take place in the urinal.

John Cole 1927–2013 Northern Irish journalist and broadcaster

I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered every where.

William Congreve 1670–1729 English dramatist

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in.

H. R. Haldeman 1929–93 American Presidential assistant to Richard Nixon, on Watergate

Truth is suppressed, not to protect the country from enemy agents but to protect the Government of the day against the people.

Roy Hattersley 1932– British Labour politician

That’s another of those irregular verbs, isn’t it? I give confidential briefings; you leak; he has been charged under Section 2a of the Official Secrets Act.

Jonathan Lynn 1943– and Antony Jay 1930–2016 English writers

The most difficult secret for a man to keep is his own opinion of himself.

Marcel Pagnol 1895–1974 French dramatist and film-maker

Self-Knowledge and Self-Deception

see alsoCHARACTER

definition of an egotist:

A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Ambrose Bierce 1842–c.1914 American writer

The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.

Rita Mae Brown 1944– American novelist and poet

They misunderestimated me.

George W. Bush 1946– American Republican statesman

I wouldn’t say I was the best manager, but I was in the top one.

Brian Clough 1935–2004 English football manager

All my shows are great. Some of them are bad. But they are all great.

Lew Grade 1906–98 British television producer and executive

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Chelsea Handler 1975– American comedienne and writer

The photograph is not quite true to my own notion of my gentleness and sweetness of nature, but neither perhaps is my external appearance.

A. E. Housman 1859–1936 English poet

I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

A journey of self-discovery starts with a single step ... But so does falling down a flight of stairs.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

Oscar Levant 1906–72 American pianist

A man always has two reasons for what he does—a good one and the real one.

John Pierpont Morgan 1837–1913 American financier and philanthropist

Every person is the star of their life story. No one goes through the world thinking: ‘Well, I’m just a cameo’.

John C. Reilly 1965– American actor

You’re so vain

You probably think this song is about you.

Carly Simon 1945– American singer and songwriter

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty ... But I am too busy thinking about myself.

Edith Sitwell 1887–1964 English poet and critic

How awful to reflect that what people say of us is true!

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.

Jonathan Swift 1667–1745 Irish poet and satirist

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique.

Peter Ustinov 1921–2004 British actor, director, and writer

I’m the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose honest arrogance and have seen no occasion to change.

Frank Lloyd Wright 1867–1959 American architect

Sex

see alsoLOVE, MARRIAGE