A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

How can what an Englishman believes be heresy? It is a contradiction in terms.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I’m a dyslexic Satanist; I worship the drivel.

Linda Smith 1958–2006 British comedian

Deserves to be preached to death by wild curates.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

Protestant women may take the pill. Roman Catholic women must keep taking The Tablet.

Irene Thomas 1919–2001 British writer and broadcaster

When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said: ‘Let us pray’. We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

Desmond Tutu 1931– South African Anglican clergyman

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time?

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

JAN STERLING: I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 and others screenwriters, in the film Ace in the Hole

I’m a Protestant—Episcopal, Catholic-lite, same religion, half the guilt.

Robin Williams 1951–2014 American actor

Restaurants

WAITER WITH FISH ORDER: Are you smelt, sir?

JOHN BETJEMAN: Only by the discerning.

John Betjeman 1906–84 English poet

to diners, while being carried on a stretcher from his suite at the Savoy when dying of cancer:

It was the food. It was the food.

Richard Harris 1930–2002 Irish actor

‘Can I have a table near the floor?’

‘Certainly, I’ll have the waiter saw the legs off.’

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

Avoid any restaurant where the waiter arrives with a handful of knives and forks just as you reach the punchline of your best story and says ‘Which of you is having fish?’

John Mortimer 1923–2009 English writer and barrister

Someone at the table, whose order had not yet arrived, said, ‘I think “waiter” is such a funny word. It is we who wait.’

Muriel Spark 1918–2006 British novelist

MARGARET THATCHER: This food is absolutely delicious.

DENIS THATCHER: So it should be. They’re charging like the Light Brigade.

Denis Thatcher 1915–2003 English businessman, eating in Harry’s Bar

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast any time’. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright 1955– American comedian

Retirement

If anything could have pulled me out of retirement, it would have been an Indiana Jones film. But in the end, retirement is just too damned much fun.

Sean Connery 1930– Scottish actor

The transition from Who’s Who to Who’s He.

Eddie George 1938–2009 English banker, view of the former Governor of the Bank of England on retirement

I remember one of my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said, ‘That never stopped you before.’

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian

Royalty

on her passion for horses:

When I appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail—none of which is easy.

Anne, Princess Royal 1950– British princess

How different, how very different from the home life of our own dear Queen!

Anonymous, comment overheard at a performance of Cleopatra by Sarah Bernhardt

I shall be an autocrat: that’s my trade. And the good Lord will forgive me: that’s his.

Catherine the Great 1729–96 Russian empress, see Heine at god

This is very true: for my words are my own, and my actions are my ministers’.

Charles II 1630–85 British king, reply to Rochester at royalty below

Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

on being asked if Queen Victoria would be happy in heaven:

She will have to walk behind the angels—and she won’t like that.

Edward VII 1841–1910 British king

I think everybody really will concede that on this, of all days, I should begin my speech with the words ‘My husband and I’.

Elizabeth II 1926– British queen, on her 25th wedding anniversary

The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left—the King of England, the King of Spades, the King of Clubs, the King of Hearts and the King of Diamonds.

Farouk 1920–65 Egyptian king

on H. G. Wells’s comment on ‘an alien and uninspiring court’:

I may be uninspiring, but I’ll be damned if I’m an alien!