A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Fred Allen 1894–1956 American humorist

explaining her mother’s insistence on taking her own bidet with her when she travelled:

My poor, dear mother suffers from a bidet-fixe.

Karen Lancaster d. 1964

DANNY KAYE: A jester unemployed is nobody’s fool.

Norman Panama 1914–2003 and Melvin Frank 1913–88 American screenwriters, in the film The Court Jester

on her abortion:

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

of Sir Charles Napier’s conquest of Sindh:

Peccavi—I have Sindh.

Catherine Winkworth 1827–78 English hymnwriter, reworking Latin peccavi I have sinned

Quotations

I know heaps of quotations, so I can always make quite a fair show of knowledge.

O. Douglas 1877–1948 Scottish writer

Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803–82 American philosopher and poet

Pretentious quotations being the surest road to tedium.

H. W. Fowler 1858–1933 and F. G. Fowler 1870–1918 English lexicographers and grammarians

You can get a happy quotation anywhere if you have the eye.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. 1841–1935 American lawyer

A widely-read man never quotes accurately, for the rather obvious reason that he has read too widely.

Hesketh Pearson 1887–1964 English actor and biographer

An anthology is like all the plums and orange peel picked out of a cake.

Walter Raleigh 1861–1922 English lecturer and critic

I always have a quotation for everything—it saves original thinking.

Dorothy L. Sayers 1893–1957 English writer

It’s better to be quotable than honest.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Reading

see alsoBOOKS

The world may be full of fourth-rate writers but it’s also full of fourth-rate readers.

Stan Barstow 1928–2011 English novelist

on the difficulties of reading the novels of Sir Walter Scott:

He shouldn’t have written in such small print.

O. Douglas 1877–1948 Scottish writer

I read part of it all the way through.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

Reading isn’t an occupation we encourage among police officers. We try to keep the paper work down to a minimum.

Joe Orton 1933–67 English dramatist

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Logan Pearsall Smith 1865–1946 American-born man of letters

‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Relationships

see alsoDATING

The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne.

James Boswell 1740–95 Scottish lawyer and biographer

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.

Marlene Dietrich 1901–92 German-born American actress and singer

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

I know a lot of people didn’t expect our relationship to last—but we’ve just celebrated our two months anniversary.

Britt Ekland 1942– Swedish actress

Men love women, women love children; children love hamsters—it’s quite hopeless.

Alice Thomas Ellis 1932–2005 English novelist

The trouble with Ian [Fleming] is that he gets off with women because he can’t get on with them.

Rosamund Lehmann 1901–90 English novelist

on Valentine’s Day:

Just last week I wrote ‘I still love you, see last year’s card for full details.’

Michael McIntyre 1976– English comedian

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing and what’s there stinks.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.

Shelley Winters 1922–2006 American actress, on divorcing Vittorio Gassman

Religion

see alsoCLERGY, GOD

To be Catholic or Jewish isn’t chic. Chic is Episcopalian.

Elizabeth Arden c.1880–1966 Canadian-born American businesswoman