A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

on stepping from his bath in the presence of a startled President Roosevelt:

The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

Margaret Thatcher has added the diplomacy of Alf Garnett to the economics of Arthur Daley.

Denis Healey 1917–2015 British Labour politician

He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet ... Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

Boris Johnson 1964– British Conservative politician

on being asked what place Arthur Balfour would have in history:

He will be just like the scent on a pocket handkerchief.

David Lloyd George 1863–1945 British Liberal statesman

[Churchill] would make a drum out of the skin of his mother in order to sound his own praises.

David Lloyd George 1863–1945 British Liberal statesman

Well, it was the best I could do, seated as I was between Jesus Christ and Napoleon Bonaparte.

David Lloyd George 1863–1945 British Liberal statesman, on the Peace Conference negotiations in 1919 between himself, Woodrow Wilson, and Georges Clemenceau

after forming the National Government, 1931:

Tomorrow every Duchess in London will be wanting to kiss me!

Ramsay MacDonald 1866–1937 British Labour statesman

A C-3PO made of ham. His resemblance to a slightly camp gammon robot is extraordinary.

Caitlin Moran 1975– English journalist, on David Cameron

A big cat detained briefly in a poodle parlour, sharpening her claws on the velvet.

Matthew Parris 1949– British journalist and former politician, of Lady Thatcher in the House of Lords

Every Prime Minister needs a Willie.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman, at the farewell dinner for William Whitelaw

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames, they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

Progress

see alsoSCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

Lewis Carroll 1832–98 English writer and logician

The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803–82 American philosopher and poet

on being asked what he thought of modern civilization:

That would be a good idea.

Mahatma Gandhi 1869–1948 Indian statesman

Progress doesn’t come from early risers—progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.

Robert Heinlein 1907–88 American science fiction writer

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

Will Rogers 1879–1935 American actor and humorist

Publishing

The world needs your book, just not many copies of it.

Derek Brewer 1923–2008 British academic and publisher

The poem will please if it is lively—if it is stupid it will fail—but I will have none of your damned cutting and slashing.

Lord Byron 1788–1824 English poet

at a literary dinner during the Napoleonic Wars, proposing a toast to Napoleon:

Gentlemen, we must be just to our great enemy. We must not forget that he once shot a bookseller.

Thomas Campbell 1777–1844 Scottish poet

Aren’t we due a royalty statement?

Charles, Prince of Wales 1948– heir apparent to the British throne, to his literary agent

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Oliver Herford 1863–1935 English-born American humorist

The relationship of an agent to a publisher is that of a knife to a throat.

Marvin Josephson American agent

A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar.

Arthur Koestler 1905–83 Hungarian-born writer

I suppose publishers are untrustworthy. They certainly always look it.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Being published by the Oxford University Press is rather like being married to a duchess: the honour is almost greater than the pleasure.

G. M. Young 1882–1959 English historian

Punishment

seeCRIMEand Punishment

Puns

see alsoWIT