A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Dick Gregory 1932–2017 American comedian and civil rights activist

When they call you articulate, that’s another way of saying ‘He talks good for a black guy’.

Ice-T 1958– American rap musician

refused admittance to a smart Californian beach club:

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

The South African police would leave no stone unturned to see that nothing disturbed the even terror of their lives.

Tom Sharpe 1928–2013 British novelist

You must always look for the Ulsterior motive.

J. R. R. Tolkien 1892–1973 British philologist and writer, of C. S. Lewis as an Ulsterman

Present

seePAST, Present, and Future

Presidents

see alsoPOLITICIANS, POLITICS

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

David Broder 1929–2011 American columnist

of President Nixon:

I worship the quicksand he walks on.

Art Buchwald 1925–2007 American humorist

The US presidency is a Tudor monarchy plus telephones.

Anthony Burgess 1917–93 English novelist and critic

God Almighty was satisfied with Ten Commandments. Mr Wilson requires Fourteen Points.

Georges Clemenceau 1841–1929 French statesman

Being president is like running a cemetery; you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.

Bill Clinton 1946– American Democratic statesman

A hard dog to keep on the porch.

Hillary Rodham Clinton 1947– American lawyer and Democratic politician, on her husband, Bill Clinton

It is a great advantage to a President, and a major source of safety to the country, for him to know he is not a great man.

Calvin Coolidge 1872–1933 American Republican statesman

on his office:

The vice-presidency isn’t worth a pitcher of warm piss.

John Nance Garner 1868–1967 American Democratic politician

So dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman, of Gerald Ford

Ronald Reagan, the President who never told bad news to the American people.

Garrison Keillor 1942– American humorous writer and broadcaster

The pay is good and I can walk to work.

John F. Kennedy 1917–63 American Democratic statesman, on becoming President of the U.S.A.

The battle for the mind of Ronald Reagan was like the trench warfare of World War I. Never have so many fought so hard for such barren terrain.

Peggy Noonan 1950– American writer

Poor George, he can’t help it—he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Ann Richards 1933–2006 American Democratic politician, of George Bush Snr

McKinley has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair!

Theodore Roosevelt 1858–1919 American Republican statesman

He’ll sit right here and he’ll say do this, do that! And nothing will happen. Poor Ike—it won’t be a bit like the Army.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

A triumph of the embalmer’s art.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American writer, of Ronald Reagan

Prime Ministers

see alsoPOLITICIANS, POLITICS

He [Lloyd George] can’t see a belt without hitting below it.

Margot Asquith 1864–1945 British political hostess

There are three classes which need sanctuary more than others—birds, wild flowers, and Prime Ministers.

Stanley Baldwin 1867–1947 British Conservative statesman

[Lloyd George] did not seem to care which way he travelled providing he was in the driver’s seat.

Lord Beaverbrook 1879–1964 Canadian-born British newspaper proprietor and Conservative politician

Listening to a speech by Chamberlain is like paying a visit to Woolworth’s: everything in its place and nothing above sixpence.

Aneurin Bevan 1897–1960 British Labour politician

If he ever went to school without any boots it was because he was too big for them.

Ivor Bulmer-Thomas 1905–93 British Conservative politician, of Harold Wilson

COMMENT: One never hears of Baldwin nowadays — he might as well be dead.

CHURCHILL: No, not dead. But the candle in that great turnip has gone out.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

[Clement Attlee is] a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

A sheep in sheep’s clothing.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman, of Clement Attlee