A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

at a photocall when Lady Thatcher said to him ‘You should be on my right’:

That would be difficult.

Edward Heath 1916–2005 British Conservative statesman

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

Boris Johnson 1964– British Conservative politician

The Tory Party only panics in a crisis.

Iain Macleod 1913–70 British Conservative politician

As usual the Liberals offer a mixture of sound and original ideas. Unfortunately none of the sound ideas is original and none of the original ideas is sound.

Harold Macmillan 1894–1986 British Conservative statesman

I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

P. J. O’Rourke 1947– American humorous writer

I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they will stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

The Labour Party is going around stirring up apathy.

William Whitelaw 1918–99 British Conservative politician

Politicians

see alsoPARLIAMENT, PRESIDENTS, PRIME MINISTERS

Dalton McGuinty: He’s an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet.

Anonymous, Canadian Conservative press release attacking the Liberal leader

Beaverbrook is so pleased to be in the Government that he is like the town tart who has finally married the Mayor!

Beverley Baxter 1891–1964 Canadian-born British journalist and Conservative politician

The right kind of leader for the Labour Party ... a desiccated calculating machine.

Aneurin Bevan 1897–1960 British Labour politician, generally taken as referring to Hugh Gaitskell, although Bevan specifically denied it

Attlee is said to have remarked that Herbert Morrison was his own worst enemy:

Not while I’m alive he ain’t.

Ernest Bevin 1881–1951 British Labour politician and trade unionist

JONESU: What’s your favourite political joke?

CAMERON: Nick Clegg.

David Cameron 1966– British Conservative statesman

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman, of Stafford Cripps

He is loyal to his own career but only incidentally to anything or anyone else.

Hugh Dalton 1887–1962 British Labour politician, of Richard Crossman

It is not necessary that every time he rises he should give his famous imitation of a semi-house-trained polecat.

Michael Foot 1913–2010 British Labour politician, of Norman Tebbit

Peter Mandelson is someone who can skulk in broad daylight.

Simon Hoggart 1946–2014 English journalist

I once said cynically of a politician, ‘He’ll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.’

Oscar Levant 1906–72 American pianist

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

Barack Obama 1961– American Democratic statesman, see Palin at politicians below

The majority of the members of the Irish parliament are professional politicians, in the sense that otherwise they would not be given jobs minding mice at a crossroads.

Flann O’Brien 1911–66 Irish novelist and journalist

What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick.

Sarah Palin 1964– American Republican politician, see Obama at politicians above

He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.

Franklin D. Roosevelt 1882–1945 American Democratic statesman, on President Somoza of Nicaragua

on deciding to run for Governor of California:

The most difficult decision I’ve ever made in my entire life, except for the one in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax.

Arnold Schwarzenegger 1947– Austrian-born American actor and Republican politician

A politician is a man who understands government, and it takes a politician to run a government. A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 10 or 15 years.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

I cannot bring myself to vote for a woman who has been voice-trained to speak to me as though my dog has just died.

Keith Waterhouse 1929–2009 British journalist and writer, of Margaret Thatcher