A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Michael Levine

A Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy, and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until they die!

Philip Roth 1933– American novelist

If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson (which is not at all necessary), hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I have four sons and three stepsons. I have learnt what it is like to step on Lego with bare feet.

Fay Weldon 1931– British novelist and scriptwriter

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Parliament

see alsoPOLITICS

Being an MP is the sort of job all working-class parents want for their children—clean, indoors and no heavy lifting.

Diane Abbott 1953– British Labour politician

The difference between the House of Commons and the House of Lords is the difference between a newly poured glass of champagne and one that has stood for five days.

Clement Attlee 1883–1967 British Labour statesman

The British House of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired politicians.

Tony Benn 1925–2014 British Labour politician

As an MP, you only meet two types of people: people with problems and people who are right.

Gyles Brandreth 1948– English writer and broadcaster

CHURCHILL: I am the humble servant of the Lord Jesus Christ and of the House of Commons.

CRIPPS: I hope you treat Jesus better than you treat the H of C.

Stafford Cripps 1889–1952 British Labour politician

The only safe pleasure for a parliamentarian is a bag of boiled sweets.

Julian Critchley 1930–2000 British Conservative politician and journalist

The occupational hazards are the three As: arrogance, alcoholism and adultery. If you suffer from only one, it’s thought you’re doing quite well.

Edwina Currie 1946– British Conservative politician, advice for women MPs

Under the present circumstances, I would rather be a lap dancer than a woman MP—the hours are better and unruly male members are shown the door.

Allison Pearson 1960– Welsh journalist

on the quality of debate in the House of Lords:

It is, I think, good evidence of life after death.

Donald Soper 1903–98 British Methodist minister

The House of Lords is a perfect eventide home.

Baroness Stocks 1891–1975 British writer

The House of Lords, an illusion to which I have never been able to subscribe—responsibility without power, the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

Parties and Hospitality

see alsoSOCIETY

It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you are going away.

Michael Arlen 1895–1963 British novelist

on the arrival of the champagne after a series of poor dishes at a dinner:

Thank God for something warm!

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

Here you are again, older faces and younger clothes.

Mamie Stuyvesant Fish 1853–1915 American socialite, habitual greeting to guests

My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room, where everybody has to play hockey properly.

Stella Gibbons 1902–89 English novelist

The best number for a dinner party is two—myself and a dam’ good head waiter.

Nubar Gulbenkian 1896–1972 British industrialist and philanthropist

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

William Dean Howells 1837–1920 American novelist and critic

At every party there are two kinds of people—those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers 1918–2002 American advice columnist

How VIP do we gotta get?

Paul McCartney 1942– English pop singer and songwriter, on being refused entry by a doorman at rapper Tyga’s party after the Grammy awards

I really felt for you in the scene in which you tried to make the party go.

Queen Mary 1867–1953 British Queen Consort, to Judith Anderson on her Lady Macbeth

At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I drove that Peugeot for years.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Past, Present, and Future