A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Exclusives aren’t what they used to be. We tend to put ‘exclusive’ on everything just to annoy other papers. I once put ‘exclusive’ on the weather by mistake.

Piers Morgan 1965– English journalist

asked why he had allowed the unclothed models feature on Page 3 to develop:

I don’t know. The editor did it when I was away.

Rupert Murdoch 1931– Australian-born American media entrepreneur

Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.

Napoleon I 1769–1821 French emperor

No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in a Murdoch newspaper.

Mike Royko 1932–97 American journalist

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

Jerry Seinfeld 1954– American comedian

People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Jerry Seinfeld 1954– American comedian

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

Office Life

of the cramped office he shared with Dorothy Parker:

One square foot less and it would be adulterous.

Robert Benchley 1889–1945 American humorist

Meetings ... are rather like cocktail parties. You don’t want to go, but you’re cross not to be asked.

Jilly Cooper 1937– English writer

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller 1917–2012 American actress

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed, the Managing Director’s chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl’s chance to kiss the Managing Director.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

I yield to no one in my admiration for the office as a social centre, but it’s no place actually to get any work done.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Michael Winner 1935–2013 British film director and producer

Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the self-employed?

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Old Age

see alsoAGEING, MIDDLE AGE, YOUTH

Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42.

Daisy Ashford 1881–1972 English child author

The only thing for old age is a brave face, a good tailor and comfortable shoes.

Alan Ayckbourn 1939– English dramatist

To me old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Bernard Baruch 1870–1965 American financier and presidential adviser

If you live to be ninety in England and can still eat a boiled egg they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

on reaching the age of 100:

If I’d known I was gonna live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Eubie Blake 1883–1983 American ragtime pianist

in his old age Churchill overheard one of two new MPs whisper to the other, ‘They say the old man’s getting a bit past it’:

And they say the old man’s getting deaf as well.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

it was pointed out to the aged Winston Churchill that his fly-button was undone:

No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

To what do I attribute my longevity? Bad luck.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer

approaching his 80th birthday:

While there’s snow on the roof, it doesn’t mean the fire has gone out in the furnace.

John G. Diefenbaker 1895–1979 Canadian Progressive Conservative statesman

As Groucho Marx once said, ‘Anyone can get old—all you have to do is to live long enough.’

Elizabeth II 1926– British queen

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

Edna Ferber 1887–1968 American writer

After the age of 80, you seem to be having breakfast every five minutes.

Christopher Fry 1907–2005 English dramatist

It’s amazing how much ‘mature wisdom’ resembles being too tired.

Robert Heinlein 1907–88 American science fiction writer

I still go up my 44 stairs two at a time, but that is in hopes of dropping dead at the top.

A. E. Housman 1859–1936 English poet

In one old people’s home they changed the words of the song to ‘When I’m 84’ as they considered 64 to be young. I might do that.

Paul McCartney 1942– English pop singer and songwriter