A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

Franklin P. Adams 1881–1960 American journalist and humorist

Predictions can be very difficult—especially about the future.

Niels Bohr 1885–1962 Danish physicist

The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday—but never jam today.

Lewis Carroll 1832–98 English writer and logician

For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all Parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

Albert Einstein 1879–1955 German-born theoretical physicist

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

Paul Harvey 1918–2009 American radio broadcaster

Cheer up! the worst is yet to come!

Philander Chase Johnson 1866–1939 American journalist

Industrial archaeology ... believes that a thing that doesn’t work any more is far more interesting than a thing that still works.

Miles Kington 1941–2008 English humorist

Soon we’ll be sliding down the razor-blade of life.

Tom Lehrer 1928– American humorist

They spend their time mostly looking forward to the past.

John Osborne 1929–94 English dramatist

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

People and Personalities

Jimmy [Connors] was such an out-and-out ‘personality’ that he managed to get into a legal dispute with the president of his own fan club.

Martin Amis 1949– English novelist

He was my knight on a shining bicycle.

Franny Armstrong 1972– British film director, of Boris Johnson after he rescued her from a gang of girls

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.

Nancy Banks-Smith 1929– British journalist

I will take questions from the guys, but from the girls I want telephone numbers.

Silvio Berlusconi 1936– Italian statesman

of Viscount Montgomery:

In defeat unbeatable: in victory unbearable.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

after meeting Irving Berlin and supposing him to be Isaiah Berlin:

Berlin’s just like most bureaucrats. Wonderful on paper but disappointing when you meet them face to face.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman, on Sir Stafford Cripps

on a visit to Washington:

If there were anything I could take back to France with me, it would be Mrs Kennedy.

Charles de Gaulle 1890–1970 French statesman

of David Steel, Leader of the Liberal Party:

He’s passed from rising hope to elder statesman without any intervening period whatsoever.

Michael Foot 1913–2010 British Labour politician

He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.

Noel Gallagher 1967– English pop singer, on his brother Liam

Like a Goth swaggering around Rome wearing an onyx toilet seat for a collar, he exudes self-confidence.

Clive James 1939– Australian critic and writer, of Rupert Murdoch

on her son Karl writing a book about capital:

If only Karl had made capital instead.

Henrietta Marx German mother of Karl Marx

The thinking man’s crumpet.

Frank Muir 1920–98 English writer and broadcaster, of Joan Bakewell

of Errol Flynn:

You always knew precisely where you stood with him because he always let you down.

David Niven 1910–83 English actor

I was the toast of two continents: Greenland and Australia.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

on Mick Jagger:

The lips, the lips! He could French kiss a moose or blow a tuba from both ends at the same time.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

on Marilyn Monroe:

Her body has gone to her head.

Barbara Stanwyck 1907–90 American actress

A genius with the IQ of a moron.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic, of Andy Warhol

I think his fate is rather like Humpty Dumpty’s, quite as tragic and quite as impossible to put right.

Constance Wilde 1859–98, on her husband, Oscar Wilde

on Burt Reynolds:

He’s the kind of guy who would stop on his way down the aisle to get married to say hello to a pretty girl.