A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Very well, my dear. You continue to play Bach your way and I’ll continue to play him his way.

Wanda Landowska 1877–1959 Polish-born American pianist and harpsichordist

I don’t like my music, but what is my opinion against that of millions of others.

Frederick Loewe 1904–88 American composer

on seeing Niagara Falls:

Fortissimo at last!

Gustav Mahler 1860–1911 Austrian composer

If you’re in jazz and more than ten people like you, you’re labelled commercial.

Herbie Mann 1930– American jazz musician

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Martin Mull 1943– American actor and comedian

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

Bob Newhart 1929– American comedian

I have been told that Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Bill Nye 1850–96 American humorist

If anyone has conducted a Beethoven performance, and then doesn’t have to go to an osteopath, then there’s something wrong.

Simon Rattle 1955– English conductor

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

Gioacchino Rossini 1792–1868 Italian composer

Applause is a receipt, not a note of demand.

Artur Schnabel 1882–1951 Austrian-born pianist

You are there and I am here; but where is Beethoven?

Artur Schnabel 1882–1951 Austrian-born pianist, to his conductor during a Beethoven rehearsal

I am delighted to add another unplayable work to the repertoire. I want the Concerto to be difficult and I want the little finger to become longer. I can wait.

Arnold Schoenberg 1874–1951 Austrian-born American composer, of his Violin Concerto

of the piano:

A large, rectangular monster that screams when you touch its teeth.

Andrés Segovia 1893–1987 Spanish guitarist

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I play all my country and western music backwards. Your lover returns, your dog comes back to life and you cease to be an alcoholic.

Linda Smith 1958–2006 British comedian

Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

You have Van Gogh’s ear for music.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Musicians

see alsoMUSIC

The music teacher came twice each week to bridge the awful gap between Dorothy and Chopin.

George Ade 1866–1944 American humorist and dramatist

printed notice in an American dancing saloon:

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

Anonymous

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can’t hear it.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor

Why do we have to have all these third-rate foreign conductors around—when we have so many second-rate ones of our own?

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor

No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been feeding off ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years.

Russell Brand 1975– British comedian

JOURNALIST: Why do you continue to practise the cello for several hours each day?

CASALS (AUGED OVER 90): Because I think I’m improving.

Pablo Casals 1876–1973 Spanish cellist

QUESTION: Do you play the guitar with your teeth?

HENDRIX: No, with my ears.

Jimi Hendrix 1942–70 American rock musician

ANONYMOUS: Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?

JOHN LENNON: He’s not even the best drummer in the band.

John Lennon 1940–80 English pop singer and songwriter

on Stravinsky’s Symphony of Wind Instruments in memory of Debussy:

I had no idea Stravinsky disliked Debussy so much as this.

Ernest Newman 1868–1959 English music critic

asked how he could play so well when he was loaded:

I practise when I’m loaded.

Zoot Sims 1925–85 American jazz musician

‘What do you think of Beethoven?’

‘I love him, especially his poems.’

Ringo Starr 1940– English rock musician

On matters of intonation and technicalities I am more than a martinet—I am a martinetissimo!

Leopold Stokowski 1882–1977 English-born American conductor

After I die, I shall return to earth as the doorkeeper of a bordello and I won’t let one of you in.

Arturo Toscanini 1867–1957 Italian conductor, to his orchestra during a difficult rehearsal

Names

I never really needed a nickname at school. Although it was bad for me it was much worse for my sister Ophelia.