A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

Money is like manure. If you spread it around it does a lot of good, but if you pile it up in one place it stinks like hell.

Clint Murchison 1923–87 American businessman

‘My boy,’ he says, ‘always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long enough, some of it may rub off on you.’

Damon Runyon 1884–1946 American writer

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may also be said to be living apart.

Saki 1870–1916 Scottish writer

I do want to get rich but I never want to do what there is to do to get rich.

Gertrude Stein 1874–1946 American writer

If someone’s dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I’m certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932–2011 English-born American actress, on her role of Cleopatra in Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s block-buster film Antony and Cleopatra; ‘If someone was stupid enough ... ’ as originally recounted by David Niven

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

Bob Thaves 1924–2006 American cartoonist

Pennies don’t fall from heaven. They have to be earned on earth.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

Morality

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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck 1927–96 American humorist

Throwing acid is wrong—in some people’s eyes.

Jimmy Carr 1972– Irish comedian

To be absolutely honest, what I feel really bad about is that I don’t feel worse. That’s the ineffectual liberal’s problem in a nutshell.

Michael Frayn 1933– English writer

When it comes to the morality of our ancestors, none of us can boast much; the records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

E. W. Howe 1853–1937 American novelist and editor

If people want a sense of purpose, they should get it from their archbishops. They should not hope to receive it from their politicians.

Harold Macmillan 1894–1986 British Conservative statesman

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them ... well, I have others.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

Being moral isn’t what you do . . . it’s what you mean to do.

Bette Midler 1945– American actress

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

And there was that wholesale libel on a Yale prom. If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, Mrs Parker said, she wouldn’t be at all surprised.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

PICKERING: Have you no morals, man?

DOOLITTLE: Can’t afford them, Governor.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

If your morals make you dreary, depend upon it they are wrong.

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850–94 Scottish novelist

BELINDA: Ay, but you know we must return good for evil.

LADY BRUTE: That may be a mistake in the translation.

John Vanbrugh 1664–1726 English architect and dramatist

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

H. G. Wells 1866–1946 English novelist

On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

A Tory minister can sleep in ten different women’s beds in a week. A Labour minister gets it in the neck if he looks at his neighbour’s wife over the garden fence.

Harold Wilson 1916–95 British Labour statesman

Mothers

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Erma Bombeck 1927–96 American humorist

I have reached the age when a woman begins to perceive that she is growing into the person she least plans to resemble: her mother.

Anita Brookner 1928–2016 British novelist and art historian

People often ask me ‘How are you sleeping?’ and I say: ‘I sleep like a baby—I wake up every hour calling for my mother’.

David Cameron 1966– British Conservative statesman, on his unexpected resignation as Prime Minister