A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

W. C. Sellar 1898–1951 and R. J. Yeatman 1898–1968 British writers

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber 1894–1961 American humorist

If we had had more time for discussion we should probably have made a great many more mistakes.

Leon Trotsky 1879–1940 Russian revolutionary

Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing gloves.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in the leg.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Modern Life

Facebook is for people who can’t face books.

Madeleine Beard English writer

I don’t like little chip and pin machines. I don’t like that they tell you what to do. ‘Hand me back to the merchant!’ like a bossy toddler.

Russell Brand 1975– British comedian

The other line moves faster ... And don’t try to change lines. The other line—the one you were in originally—will then move faster.

Barbara Ettore, usually quoted as ‘The other line always moves faster’

Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.

Robert C. Gallagher

I was standing behind a man in Starbucks the other day, he was ordering ‘a tall skinny black Americano’. I said, ‘What are you ordering, coffee or a President?’

Michael McIntyre 1976– English comedian

Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That’s a high price to pay for a shag.

Shazia Mirza 1976– English comedian

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’

Conan O’Brien 1963– American comedian and broadcaster

Why would I tweet when I’ve not yet read The Brothers Karamazov?

Michael Palin 1953– British comedian and broadcaster

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.

Lily Tomlin 1939– American comedienne and actress

I’m the modern, intelligent, independent-type woman—in other words, a girl who can’t get a man.

Shelley Winters 1922–2006 American actress

Money

see alsoDEBT, POVERTY, WEALTH

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

James Baldwin 1924–87 American novelist and essayist

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.

Buzzie Bavasi 1914–2008 American baseball manager

HOLDUP MAN: Quit stalling—I said your money or your life.

JACK BENNY: I’m thinking it over!

Jack Benny 1894–1974 American comedian and actor

I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Shmuel Breban American comedian

My rule is, if it flies, floats, or fornicates, rent it. It’s cheaper in the long run.

Felix Dennis 1947–2014 English publisher

When you don’t have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both it’s health.

J. P. Donleavy 1926–2017 Irish-American novelist

We don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.

Linda Evangelista 1965– Canadian supermodel, of herself and supermodel Christy Turlington; often quoted as, ‘I don’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day’

A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place.

Cyril Fletcher 1913–2005 English comedian

My main problem is reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Errol Flynn 1909–59 Australian-born American actor

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Robert Frost 1874–1963 American poet

on being told that money doesn’t buy happiness:

But it upgrades despair so beautifully.

Richard Greenberg 1958– American dramatist

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Bob Hope 1903–2003 American comedian

When a feller says, ‘It hain’t the money, but th’ principle o’ th’ thing’, it’s the money.

Frank McKinney Hubbard 1868–1930 American humorist

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

Frank McKinney Hubbard 1868–1930 American humorist

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

Johann Kaspar Lavater 1741–1801 Swiss theologian

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.