A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

To men, porno movies are beautiful love stories with all the boring stuff taken out.

Richard Jeni 1957–2007 American comedian

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason—there’s a reason!

Marian Jordan 1898–1961 American actress

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.

Garrison Keillor 1942– American humorous writer and broadcaster

Most men think monogamy is something you make dining-room tables out of.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery.

Clare Booth Luce 1903–87 American diplomat, politician, and writer

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.

Jayne Mansfield 1933–67 American actress

If you want to scare your boyfriend next Halloween, come dressed as what he fears most. Commitment.

Peter Nelson

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

The typical public schoolboy is acceptable at a dance and invaluable in a shipwreck.

J. F. Roxburgh 1885–1951 English headmaster

Men’s bums never grow up. Like school satchels, they evoke in an instant memories of childhood.

Arundhati Roy 1961– Indian novelist

I like men to behave like men—strong and childish.

Françoise Sagan 1935–2004 French novelist

God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man.

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

A hard man is good to find.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.

Ruth Weston 1906–55 American actress

Men and Women

see alsoDATING, MEN, WIVES, WOMEN

In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman ...

Nancy Astor 1879–1964 American-born British Conservative politician

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.

Elayne Boosler 1952– American comedian

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they’re gone.

Lenny Bruce 1925–66 American comedian

A woman can become a man’s friend only in the following stages—first an acquaintance, next a mistress, and only then a friend.

Anton Chekhov 1860–1904 Russian dramatist and short-story writer

Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

I wouldn’t be seen dead with a woman old enough to be my wife.

Tony Curtis 1925–2010 American actor

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

Les Dawson 1934–93 English comedian

If they ever invent a vibrator that can open pickle jars, we’ve had it.

Jeff Green 1964– English comedian, on the bleak future facing men

Women and cats do as they please, and men and dogs might as well relax to it.

Robert Heinlein 1907–88 American science fiction writer

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; she changes it more often.

Oliver Herford 1863–1935 English-born American humorist

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Nicole Hollander 1939– American cartoonist

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself—like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Henry Kissinger 1923– American politician

JIM CARREY: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Steve Koren, Mark O’Keefe, and Steve Oedekerk screenwriters, in the film Bruce Almighty

Why do men like smart women? Because opposites attract.

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

Women are brighter than men. That’s true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

Anita Loos 1893–1981 American writer

Men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

Jay McInerney 1955– American writer

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

Men seldom make passes

At girls who wear glasses.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Philip, Duke of Edinburgh 1921– husband of Elizabeth II