A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Kinky Friedman 1944– American singer and politician

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born film actress

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

Jerry Hall 1956– American model

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

E. W. Howe 1853–1937 American novelist and editor

Do you think I’d marry anyone who would marry me?

Henry James 1843–1916 American novelist

of a man who remarried immediately after the death of a wife with whom he had been unhappy:

The triumph of hope over experience.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

The most difficult year of marriage is the one you’re in.

Franklin P. Jones 1887–1929 American businessman

The honeymoon is over when he phones that he’ll be late for supper—and she has already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.

Bill Lawrence 1968– American screenwriter

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Stephen Leacock 1869–1944 Canadian humorist

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There is no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

to her husband, who had asked the age of a flirtatious starlet with noticeably thick legs:

For God’s sake, Walter, why don’t you chop off her legs and read the rings?

Carol Matthau 1925–2003 American actress

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic

One doesn’t have to get anywhere in a marriage. It’s not a public conveyance.

Iris Murdoch 1919–99 English novelist

Marriage is the alliance of two people one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgetsam.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

BISHOP: Who is it that sees and hears all we do, and before whom even I am but as a crushed worm?

PAGE: The Missus, my Lord.

Punch 1841–1992 English humorous weekly periodical

the Lord Chief Justice was once asked by a lady what was the maximum punishment for bigamy:

Two mothers-in-law.

Lord Russell of Killowen 1832–1900 Irish lawyer and politician

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

Neil Simon 1927– American dramatist

My definition of marriage ... it resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

My brother Toby, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs Wadman. Then he will never, quoth my father, lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives.

Laurence Sterne 1713–68 English novelist

asked who wore the trousers at home:

I do. I wear the trousers. And I wash and iron them, too.

Denis Thatcher 1915–2003 English businessman

It should be a very happy marriage—they are both so much in love with him.

Irene Thomas 1919–2001 British broadcaster

Marriage isn’t a word ... it’s a sentence!

King Vidor 1895–1982 American film director

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

A good marriage is like Dr Who’s Tardis, only small and banal from the outside, but spacious and interesting from within.

Katharine Whitehorn 1928– English journalist

Medicine

see alsoSICKNESS

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

Alexander the Great 356–323 BC Greek king

I was in for ten hours and had 40 pints, beating my previous record by 20 minutes.

George Best 1946–2005 Northern Irish footballer, comparing transfusions after his liver transplant with drinking

I used to believe that chiropractors were charlatans, but then I went to one and now I stand corrected.

Shmuel Breban American comedian