A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

All my life I’ve loved a womanly woman and admired a manly man, but I never could stand a boily boy.

Lord Rosebery 1847–1929 British Liberal statesman

The material for this book was collected directly from nature at great personal risk by the author.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer, in capitals, on the flyleaf of her book A Guide to Men

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him ‘Are we going to have sex again?’ He said ‘Yes, but not with each other’.

Rita Rudner 1953– American comedienne and writer

It was always women who did the choosing, and men’s place was to be grateful if they were lucky enough to be the chosen ones.

Salman Rushdie 1947– Indian-born British novelist

LYDIA: Every great man has had a woman behind him.

JANET: And every great woman has had some man or other in front of her, tripping her up.

Dorothy L. Sayers 1893–1957 English writer

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld 1954– American comedian

If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

Sure he was great, but don’t forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did backwards ... and in high heels!

Bob Thaves 1924–2006 American cartoonist, caption to cartoon showing a Fred Astaire film festival

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress, usually quoted as ‘Is that a pistol in your pocket ... ’

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

asked by the gossip columnist Hedda Hopper how she knew so much about men:

Baby, I went to night school.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton 1896–1975 Canadian writer and politician

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

Natalie Wood 1938–81 American actress

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down—and a woman is designed to say, ‘You took your time’ when he comes back dripping wet.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Mental Health

see alsoMIND

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

Rita Mae Brown 1944– American novelist and poet

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth; that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield 1921–2004 American comedian

Any man who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

Psychiatry is a waste of good couches. Why should I make a psychiatrist laugh, and then pay him?

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer

O Lord, Sir—when a heroine goes mad she always goes into white satin.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies-Bergère and looks at the audience.

Mervyn Stockwood 1913–95 English clergyman

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

Robin Williams 1951–2014 American actor

Middle Age

see alsoOLD AGE, YOUTH

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

You are thirty-two. You are rapidly approaching the age when your body, whether it embarrasses you or not, begins to embarrass other people.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.

Lionel Blair 1936– British actor and dancer

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

E. Joseph Cossman

of Zsa Zsa Gabor:

She’s discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.

Oscar Levant 1906–72 American pianist

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.

Colleen McCullough 1937–2015 Australian writer

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist