A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

A fashionable surgeon, like a pelican, can be recognized by the size of his bill.

John Chalmers DaCosta 1863–1933 American surgeon

A Harvard medical school study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

Tina Fey 1970– American comedian and actress

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors.

Stephen Fry 1957– English comedian, actor, and writer

TONY HANCOCK: I came in here in all good faith to help my country. I don’t mind giving a reasonable amount [of blood], but a pint ... why that’s very nearly an armful.

Ray Galton 1930– and Alan Simpson 1929–2017 English writers

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

If you have a stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

Phil Hammond 1955– and Michael Mosley 1957– writers and presenters

No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries.

Oliver Wendell Holmes 1809–94 American physician and writer

The kind of doctor I want is one who, when he’s not examining me, is home studying medicine.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist

In disease Medical Men guess: if they cannot ascertain a disease, they call it nervous.

John Keats 1795–1821 English poet

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is the assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.

Jean Kerr 1923–2003 American writer

A specialist is a man who knows more and more about less and less.

William Mayo 1861–1939 American physician

The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.

William Osler 1849–1919 Canadian-born physician

Cured yesterday of my disease,

I died last night of my physician.

Matthew Prior 1664–1721 English poet

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills—she had 14 kids but didn’t give a shit.

Joan Rivers 1933–2014 American comedienne

There is at bottom only one genuinely scientific treatment for all diseases, and that is to stimulate the phagocytes.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I can’t stand whispering. Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

Neil Simon 1927– American dramatist

Memory

Our memories are card-indexes consulted, and then put back in disorder by authorities whom we do not control.

Cyril Connolly 1903–74 English writer

The older I get, the better I used to be.

John McEnroe 1959– American tennis player, quoting basketball star Connie Hawkins

The fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

The selective memory isn’t selective enough.

Blake Morrison 1950– English poet

Men

see alsoMEN AND WOMEN

My mother’s two categories: nice men did things for you, bad men did things to you.

Margaret Atwood 1939– Canadian novelist

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Jane Austen 1775–1817 English novelist

A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being more able to show his feelings.

Beryl Bainbridge 1934–2010 English novelist

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

Lucille Ball 1911–89 American actress

Women were brought up to believe that men were the answer. They weren’t. They weren’t even one of the questions.

Julian Barnes 1946– English novelist

All men are children anyway and if you understand that, a woman understands everything.

Coco Chanel 1883–1971 French fashion designer

My mother wanted me to be a nice boy. I didn’t let her down. I don’t smoke, drink or mess around with women.

Julian Clary 1959– English comedian

Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.

Nora Ephron 1941–2012 American screenwriter and director

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born actress

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert Humphrey 1911–78 American Democratic politician