A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Any suburban mother can state her role sardonically enough in a sentence: it is to deliver children obstetrically once and by car forever after.

Peter De Vries 1910–93 American novelist and humorist

Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequences than to have a really affectionate mother.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

My mother had a good deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Movies

seeCINEMA

Murder

Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.

Agatha Christie 1890–1976 English writer

Television has brought back murder into the home—where it belongs.

Alfred Hitchcock 1899–1980 British-born film director

English law does not permit good persons, as such, to strangle bad persons, as such.

T. H. Huxley 1825–95 English biologist

The National Rifle Association says guns don’t kill people, people do. But I think the gun helps. Just standing there, going ‘Bang!’—that’s not going to kill too many people.

Eddie Izzard 1962– British comedian

You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.

Vladimir Nabokov 1899–1977 Russian novelist

Julius Caesar of his assassins:

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me!

Talbot Rothwell 1916–74 English screenwriter, in the film Carry On, Cleo

justification for poisoning his sister-in-law:

She had very thick ankles.

Thomas Griffiths Wainewright 1794–1847 English artist

Music

see alsoMUSICIANS, OPERA, SONGS

Whenever I don’t know what to write about, I just close my eyes and think of Essex.

Damon Albarn 1968– English musician

I can’t listen to too much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

All music is folk music, I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song.

Louis Armstrong 1901–71 American singer and jazz musician

when asked what jazz is:

If you still have to ask ... shame on you.

Louis Armstrong 1901–71 American singer and jazz musician

There is nothing to it. You only have to hit the right notes at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

Johann Sebastian Bach 1685–1750 German composer, when complimented on his organ playing

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

Charles Baudelaire 1821–67 French poet and critic

What can you do with it? It’s like a lot of yaks jumping about.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor, on the third movement of Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony

The musical equivalent of the Towers of St Pancras Station.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor, describing Elgar’s 1st Symphony

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor

ANDRÉ PREVIN: You’re playing all the wrong notes.

ERIC MORECAMBE: I’m playing all the right notes. But not necessarily in the right order.

Eddie Braben 1930–2013 English comedy writer

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments—the very lower bowel of music.

Peter De Vries 1910–93 American novelist

I hate music, especially when it’s played.

Jimmy Durante 1893–1980 American comedian and singer

Playing ‘Bop’ is like scrabble with all the vowels missing.

Duke Ellington 1899–1974 American jazz pianist, composer, and band-leader

message sent after the Grenadier Guards had played an arrangement of Richard Strauss’ Elektra:

His Majesty does not know what the Band has just played, but it is never to be played again.

George V 1865–1936 British king

I only know two tunes. One of them is ‘Yankee Doodle’ and the other isn’t.

Ulysses S. Grant 1822–85 American Unionist general and statesman

Classic music is th’kind that we keep thinkin’ll turn into a tune.

Frank McKinney Hubbard 1868–1930 American humorist

on the performance of a celebrated violinist:

Difficult do you call it, Sir? I wish it were impossible.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

to another musician: