A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Ed Balls 1967– British Labour politician

Remember, they only name things after you when you’re dead or really old.

Barbara Bush 1925– American First Lady, at the naming ceremony for the George Bush Centre for Intelligence

of Alfred Bossom:

Who is this man whose name is neither one thing nor the other?

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman

If you don’t give your child a middle name, how are they ever to know when you are cross with them?

Vivienne Clore British showbusiness agent

Colin is the sort of name you give your goldfish for a joke.

Colin Firth 1960– British actor

to Arthur Hornblow, who was planning to name his son Arthur:

Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Arthur.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

comment at a Test Match as Michael Holding faced Peter Willey:

The batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willey.

Brian Johnston 1912–94 British cricket commentator

In the last Parliament, the House of Commons had more MPs called John than all the women MPs put together.

Tessa Jowell 1947– British Labour politician

when asked if Groucho were his real name:

No, I’m breaking it in for a friend.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

But I must not go on singling out names. One must not be a name-dropper, as Her Majesty remarked to me yesterday.

Lord St John of Fawsley 1929–2012 British Conservative politician

I remember your name perfectly; but I just can’t think of your face.

William Archibald Spooner 1844–1930 English clergyman and academic

A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.

Johann Georg Zimmerman 1728–95 Swiss physician and writer

Nature and the Country

I am at two with nature.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Hedgehogs—why can’t they just share the hedge?

Dan Antopolski 1972– English comedian

I’m proud of George. He’s learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What’s worse, it was a male horse.

Laura Bush 1946– American First Lady

Worms have played a more important part in the history of the world than most persons would at first suppose.

Charles Darwin 1809–82 English natural historian

There is nothing good to be had in the country, or if there is, they will not let you have it.

William Hazlitt 1778–1830 English essayist

a London clubman’s view of the country:

A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked.

Joseph Wood Krutch 1893–1970 American critic and naturalist

So that’s what hay looks like.

Queen Mary 1867–1953 British Queen Consort, said at Badminton House, where she was evacuated during the Second World War

It is no good putting up notices saying ‘Beware of the bull’ because very rude things are sometimes written on them. I have found that one of the most effective notices is ‘Beware of the Agapanthus’.

Lord Massereene and Ferrard 1914–93

I have no relish for the country; it is a kind of healthy grave.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

Anybody can be good in the country.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

What do we see at once but a little robin! There is no need to burst into tears fotherington-tomas swete tho he be. Nor to buzz a brick at it, molesworth 2.

Geoffrey Willans 1911–58 and Ronald Searle 1920–2011 English humorous writers, a nature walk at St Custards

Newspapers

see alsoJOURNALISM

I read the newspapers avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.

Aneurin Bevan 1897–1960 British Labour politician

We have a saying in Fleet Street: the editor who writes for his own newspaper has a fool for a contributor.

Bill Deedes 1913–2007 British journalist and Conservative politician

If you can’t get a job as a pianist in a brothel you become a royal reporter.

Max Hastings 1945– British journalist and historian

Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

Elbert Hubbard 1859–1915 American writer

People don’t actually read newspapers. They get into them every morning, like a hot bath.

Marshall McLuhan 1911–80 Canadian communications scholar