A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

The country is going down the drain, and they are squabbling about the size of the plughole.

Jeremy Thorpe 1929–2014 British Liberal politician

The people have spoke—the bastards.

Dick Tuck 1924– American Democratic politician, after being defeated in the California Senate primary; usually quoted as ‘The people have spoken—the bastards’

on Marxism, from an expert on ants:

Wonderful theory, wrong species.

Edward O. Wilson 1929– American sociobiologist

Poverty

see alsoDEBT, MONEY

Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor.

James Baldwin 1924–87 American novelist and essayist

It’s no disgrace t’be poor, but it might as well be.

Frank McKinney Hubbard 1868–1930 American humorist

We were so poor that if we woke up on Christmas day without an erection, we had nothing to play with.

Frank McCourt 1930–2009 Irish writer

Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confoundedly inconvenient.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

As for the virtuous poor, one can pity them, of course, but one cannot possibly admire them.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Like dear St Francis of Assisi I am wedded to Poverty: but in my case the marriage is not a success.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Power

So long as men worship the Caesars and Napoleons, Caesars and Napoleons will duly arise and make them miserable.

Aldous Huxley 1894–1963 English novelist

I don’t want loyalty. I want loyalty. I want him to kiss my ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses. I want his pecker in my pocket.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman

Powerful men often succeed through the help of their wives. Powerful women only succeed in spite of their husbands.

Lynda Lee-Potter 1935–2004 British journalist

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.

Ethel Watts Mumford 1878–1940 American writer and humorist

Castro couldn’t even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.

Richard Milhous Nixon 1913–94 American Republican statesman

I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.

Mario Puzo 1920–99 American novelist

Seven months ago I could give a single command and 541,000 people would immediately obey it. Today I can’t get a plumber to come to my house.

H. Norman Schwarzkopf III 1934–2012 American general

The Pope! How many divisions has he got?

Joseph Stalin 1879–1953 Soviet dictator, on being asked to encourage Catholicism in Russia by way of conciliating the Pope

Praise and Flattery

The advantage of doing one’s praising for oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and exactly in the right places.

Samuel Butler 1835–1902 English novelist

If a man is vain, flatter. If timid, flatter. If boastful, flatter. In all history, too much flattery never lost a gentleman.

Kathryn Cravens 1898–1991 American broadcaster

The others were only my wives. But you, my dear, will be my widow.

Sacha Guitry 1885–1957 French actor and dramatist, to his fifth wife

To refuse to accept praise is to want to be praised twice over.

Duc de La Rochefoucauld 1613–80 French moralist

Nine out of ten males will believe anything, especially if it confirms their virility.

Andrea Martin 1947– American actress

What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I suppose flattery hurts no one, that is, if he doesn’t inhale.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

Pregnancy

seeBIRTHand Pregnancy

Prejudice

Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to go and get insulted.

Sammy Davis Jnr. 1925–90 American entertainer

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields 1880–1946 American humorist

CONGRESSMAN STARNES: You are quoting from this Marlowe. Is he a Communist?

FLANAGAN: I am very sorry. I was quoting from Christopher Marlowe.

Hallie Flanagan 1890–1969 American theatre director, before the House Un-American Activities Committee

Wouldn’t it be a hell of a thing if all this was burnt cork and you people were being tolerant for nothing?