A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

WOODY ALLEN: Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Annie Hall, written with Marshall Brickman (1941–)

WOODY ALLEN: That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Annie Hall, written with Marshall Brickman (1941–)

WOODY ALLEN: My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Crimes and Misdemeanors

Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor, in the film Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Give me chastity and continency—but not yet!

St Augustine of Hippo AD 354–430 Roman Christian theologian

I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late start without me.

Tallulah Bankhead 1903–68 American actress

at the age of ninety-seven, Blake was asked at what age the sex drive goes:

You’ll have to ask somebody older than me.

Eubie Blake 1883–1983 American ragtime pianist

On life’s long road I have found the penis to be a most unreliable compass.

David L. Bloomer 1912–96 Scottish badminton player

Sex has never been an obsession with me. It’s just like eating a bag of crisps. Quite nice, but nothing marvellous.

Boy George 1961– English pop singer and songwriter

If homosexuality were the normal way, God would have made Adam and Bruce.

Anita Bryant 1940– American singer

Sexual intercouse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

Charles Bukowski 1920–94 German-born American writer

He said it was artificial respiration, but now I find I am to have his child.

Anthony Burgess 1917–93 English novelist and critic

on homosexuality:

It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.

Mrs Patrick Campbell 1865–1940 English actress

I don’t have a sex ‘drive’. I have a sex ‘just sit in the car and hope someone gets in.’

Louis C.K. 1967– American comedian

asked if he was superstitious:

Only about thirteen in a bed.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

I became one of the stately homos of England.

Quentin Crisp 1908–99 English writer

Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine.

Andrea Dworkin 1946–2005 American feminist and writer

When choosing sexual partners remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.

Tina Fey 1970– American comedian and actress

He in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.

Henry Fielding 1707–54 English novelist and dramatist

on oral fixation:

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Sigmund Freud 1856–1939 Austrian psychiatrist

on her boyfriend Porfirio Rubirosa:

He may be the best lover in the world, but what do you do the other twenty-two hours of the day?

Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917–2016 Hungarian-born film actress

BILLY CRYSTAL: Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

Lowell Ganz 1948– and Babaloo Mandel 1949– American screenwriters, in the film City Slickers

Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.

Christopher Hampton 1946– English dramatist

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler 1975– American comedienne and writer

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

J. Edgar Hoover 1895–1972 American director of the FBI

There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns to embrace a woman’s shoe and has to embrace the whole woman.

Karl Kraus 1874–1936 Austrian satirist

He was into animal husbandry—until they caught him at it.

Tom Lehrer 1928– American humorist

All this male angst over size. It’s attitude women are interested in. Women like a penis which says ‘G’day! God am I glad to see you.’

Kathy Lette 1958– Australian writer