A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

I dreamt I was making a speech in the House. I woke up, and by Jove I was!

Duke of Devonshire 1833–1908 British Conservative politician

A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist, of Gladstone

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.

Barry Goldwater 1909–98 American Republican politician

Since I’ve become a central banker, I’ve learned to mumble with great incoherence. If I seem unduly clear to you, you must have misunderstood what I said.

Alan Greenspan 1926– American economist

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

George Jessel 1898–1981 American comedian

I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from a chicken salad.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman, on a speech by Richard Nixon

Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman

I appreciate your welcome. As the cow said to the Maine farmer ‘Thank you for a warm hand on a cold morning’.

John F. Kennedy 1917–63 American Democratic statesman

The most popular speaker is the one who sits down before he stands up.

John Pentland Mahaffy 1839–1919 Irish writer

A speech is like a love affair: any fool can start one but to end one requires considerable skill.

Lord Mancroft 1914–87 British Conservative politician

He has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches.

F. E. Smith 1872–1930 British Conservative politician and lawyer, on Winston Churchill

I fear I cannot make an amusing speech. I have just been reading a book which says that ‘all geniuses are devoid of humour’.

Stephen Spender 1909–95 English poet

Nixon’s farm policy is vague, but he is going a long way toward solving the corn surplus by his speeches.

Adlai Stevenson 1900–65 American Democratic politician

Whales only get killed when they spout.

Denis Thatcher 1915–2003 British businessman, declining a request to be interviewed

To remain silent is the most useful service that a mediocre speaker can render to the public good.

Alexis de Tocqueville 1805–59 French historian and politician

I am here to propose a toast to the sports writers. It’s up to you whether you stand or not.

Freddie Trueman 1931–2006 English cricketer

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Sports and Games

see alsoBASEBALL, BOXING, CRICKET, FOOTBALL, GOLF, TENNIS

Playing snooker gives you firm hands and helps to build up character. It is the ideal recreation for dedicated nuns.

Luigi Barbarito 1922–2017 Italian Roman Catholic clergyman

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor

Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen.

Soccer is a gentleman’s game played by beasts.

[American] Football is a beastly game played by beasts.

Henry Blaha American football player

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Erma Bombeck 1927–96 American humorist

A couple of weeks ago I knew nothing about the Olympics. Now I can’t wait for next year’s.

Frankie Boyle 1972– British comedian

on running the London Marathon:

I’ve set myself a target. I’m going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

Jo Brand 1957– English comedian

Life’s too short for chess.

H. J. Byron 1835–84 English dramatist

The trouble with referees is that they just don’t care which side wins.

Tom Canterbury American basketball player

As elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency.

Raymond Chandler 1888–1959 American writer, on chess

If you lived in Sheffield and were called Sebastian, you had to learn to run fast at a very early stage.

Sebastian Coe 1956– English athlete

I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield 1921–2004 American comedian

The thing about sport, any sport, is that swearing is very much part of it.

Jimmy Greaves 1940– English footballer, commenting on a football match

Get your retaliation in first.

Carwyn James 1929–83 Welsh rugby football coach