A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.

Douglas Jerrold 1803–57 English dramatist and journalist

We break bones and we lose teeth. We play rugby.

Martin Johnson 1970– English rugby player

If you play bridge badly you make your partner suffer, but if you play poker badly you make everybody happy.

Joe Laurie Jr. 1892–1954 American comedian

If you don’t have confidence, you’ll always find a way not to win.

Carl Lewis 1961– American athlete

Rodeoing is about the only sport you can’t fix. You’d have to talk to the bulls and the horses, and they wouldn’t understand you.

Bill Linderman 1920–65 American rodeo cowboy

Athletic sports, save in the case of young boys, are designed for idiots.

George Jean Nathan 1882–1958 American critic and writer

The atmosphere here is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum at Rome when the Christians were on the menu.

Sid Waddell 1940–2012 English sports commentator, at a darts match

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox—the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet, see Zobel at law

on American football:

Football combines the two worst features of modern American life: it’s violence punctuated by committee meetings.

George F. Will 1941– American columnist

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of a gun.

P. G. Wodehouse 1881–1975 English writer

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Statistics

[The War Office kept three sets of figures:] one to mislead the public, another to mislead the Cabinet, and the third to mislead itself.

Herbert Asquith 1852–1928 British Liberal statesman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.

Benjamin Disraeli 1804–81 British Tory statesman and novelist

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts—for support rather than illumination.

Andrew Lang 1844–1912 Scottish man of letters

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Aaron Levenstein 1911–86 American academic

Success

see alsoFAILURE

Eighty per cent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

The road to success is always under construction.

Anonymous, traditional saying, today associated with Lily Tomlin

Behind every successful man you’ll find a woman who has nothing to wear.

Harold Coffin d. 1981 American columnist

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

Cyril Connolly 1903–74 English writer

Nothing succeeds, they say, like success. And certainly nothing fails like failure.

Margaret Drabble 1939– English novelist

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.

Bill Gates 1955– American computer entrepreneur

formula for success:

Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.

John Paul Getty 1892–1976 American industrialist

Behind every man’s achievement is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Brooks Hays 1898–1981 American Democratic politician

Well, we knocked the bastard off!

Edmund Hillary 1919–2008 New Zealand mountaineer, on conquering Mount Everest, 1953

Luck, like a Russian car, generally only works if you push it.

Tom Holt 1961– English novelist

Success didn’t spoil me. I’ve always been insufferable.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

Tom Lehrer 1928– American humorist

Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet ’em on your way down.

Wilson Mizner 1876–1933 American dramatist

On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our bottom.

Montaigne 1533–92 French moralist and essayist

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There’s far less competition.

Dwight Morrow 1873–1931 American lawyer, banker, and diplomat

David Frost has risen without trace.

Kitty Muggeridge 1903–94 English writer

I never climbed any ladder: I have achieved eminence by sheer gravitation.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Our business in this world is not to succeed, but to continue to fail, in good spirits.

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850–94 Scottish novelist

President George W. Bush overcame an incredible lack of obstacles to achieve his success.

Jon Stewart 1962– American satirist