A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

telegram to Mrs Sherwood on the arrival of her baby:

GOOD WORK, MARY. WE ALL KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

Dorothy Parker 1893–1967 American critic and humorist

cables were soon arriving ... ‘Require earliest name life story photograph American nurse upblown Adowa.’ We replied:

NURSE UNUPBLOWN.

Evelyn Waugh 1903–66 English novelist

FEAR I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO REACH YOU IN TIME FOR THE CEREMONY. DON’T WAIT.

James McNeill Whistler 1834–1903 American-born painter, telegram of apology for missing Oscar Wilde’s wedding

his wife had requested him, when in Paris, to buy and send her a bidet:

UNABLE OBTAIN BIDET. SUGGEST HANDSTAND IN SHOWER.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Television

The best that can be said for Norwegian television is that it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.

Bill Bryson 1951– American travel writer

Theatre actors look down on film actors, who look down on TV actors. Thank God for reality shows or we wouldn’t have anybody to look down on.

George Clooney 1961– American actor and director

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms.

Alan Coren 1938–2007 English humorist

Television is for appearing on, not looking at.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.

David Frost 1939–2013 English broadcaster and writer

IAN ST JOHN: Is he speaking to you yet?

JIMMY GREAVES: Not yet, but I hope to be incommunicado with him in a very short space of time.

Jimmy Greaves 1940– English footballer

Television is simultaneously blamed, often by the same people, for worsening the world and for being powerless to change it.

Clive James 1939– Australian critic and writer

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Ann Landers 1918–2002 American advice columnist

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

Television? The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.

C. P. Scott 1846–1932 British journalist

The media. It sounds like a convention of spiritualists.

Tom Stoppard 1937– British dramatist

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Gore Vidal 1925–2012 American novelist and critic

of television:

It used to be that we in films were the lowest form of art. Now we have something to look down on.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

Tennis

I call tennis the McDonald’s of sport—you go in, they make a quick buck out of you, and you’re out.

Pat Cash 1965– Australian tennis player

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.

Jimmy Connors 1952– American tennis player

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg 1968–2005 American comedian

You cannot be serious!

John McEnroe 1959– American tennis player

I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub.

Andy Roddick 1982– American tennis player, defeated by Roger Federer in the Wimbledon Final, 2004

The Theatre

see alsoACTING, AUDIENCES

Shaw’s plays are the price we pay for Shaw’s prefaces.

James Agate 1877–1947 British drama critic and novelist

YOUNG ACTOR: Did Hamlet actually sleep with Ophelia?

OLD ACTOR: I don’t know about the West End, laddie, but we always did on tour.

Anonymous

God, send me some good actors. Cheap.

Lilian Baylis 1874–1937 English theatre manager

on being asked ‘What was the message of your play’ after a performance of The Hostage:

Message? Message? What the hell do you think I am, a bloody postman?

Brendan Behan 1923–64 Irish dramatist

I go to the theatre to be entertained, I want to be taken out of myself, I don’t want to see lust and rape and incest and sodomy and so on, I can get all that at home.

Alan Bennett 1934– English dramatist and actor and others

Anyone can do theatre. Even actors. And theatre can be done everywhere. Even in a theatre.