A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

What good is speed if the brain has oozed out on the way?

Karl Kraus 1874–1936 Austrian satirist

Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

Charles Kuralt 1934–97 American journalist and broadcaster

I wouldn’t mind seeing China if I could come back the same day.

Philip Larkin 1922–85 English poet

on seasickness:

At first, you fear you will die; then, after it has a good hold on you, you fear you won’t die.

Jack London 1876–1916 American novelist

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan 1918–2002 Irish comedian

She said that all the sights in Rome were called after London cinemas.

Nancy Mitford 1904–73 English writer

The Devil himself had probably re-designed Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts.

Anthony Price 1928– English writer and editor

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean—from that whole vast intuitive culture—are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps.

Peter Shaffer 1926–2016 English dramatist

If it’s Tuesday, this must be Belgium.

David Shaw

asked why he had come to America:

In pursuit of my life-long quest for naked women in wet mackintoshes.

Dylan Thomas 1914–53 Welsh poet

J. M. BARRIE: What was your most dangerous journey?

THOMSON: Crossing Piccadilly Circus.

Joseph Thomson 1858–94 Scottish explorer

It is not worthwhile to go around the world to count the cats in Zanzibar.

Henry David Thoreau 1817–62 American writer

It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing—I used to be a good boy.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Trust and Treachery

The only recorded instance in history of a rat swimming towards a sinking ship.

Winston Churchill 1874–1965 British Conservative statesman, of a former Conservative who proposed to stand as a Liberal

Pension. Pay given to a state hireling for treason to his country.

Samuel Johnson 1709–84 English poet, critic, and lexicographer

Defectors are like grapes. The first pressings from them are the best. The third and fourth lack body.

Maurice Oldfield 1915–81 English intelligence officer

Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give someone a second chance.

Lady Selborne 1858–1950 English suffragist

[Treason], Sire, is a question of dates.

Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand 1754–1838 French statesman

Truth

see alsoLIES

’Tis strange—but true; for truth is always strange;

Stranger than fiction.

Lord Byron 1788–1824 English poet

Our old friend ... economical with the actualité.

Alan Clark 1928–99 British Conservative politician

It is always the best policy to speak the truth—unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

Jerome K. Jerome 1859–1927 English writer

I never give them [the public] hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is hell.

Harry S. Truman 1884–1972 American Democratic statesman

Get your facts first, and then you can distort ’em as much as you please.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

Unintended Humour

I am the Jesus Christ of politics ... I sacrifice myself for everyone.

Silvio Berlusconi 1936– Italian statesman

When I have my photo taken, I don’t say ‘cheese’. I say ‘sex’.

Carla Bruni 1967– Italian-French singer and model

talking about Ronald Reagan:

I’m proud to be his partner. We’ve had triumphs, we’ve made mistakes, we’ve had sex.

George Bush 1924– American Republican statesman, quickly corrected to ‘setbacks, we’ve had setbacks’

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

George W. Bush 1946– American Republican statesman

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

George W. Bush 1946– American Republican statesman

That’s the fastest time ever run—but it’s not as fast as the world record.

David Coleman 1926–2013 British sports commentator

All my concerts had no sounds in them: they were completely silent ... People had to make their own music in their minds.

Yoko Ono 1933– Japanese poet and songwriter

Having committed political suicide, the Conservative Party is now living to regret it.

Chris Patten 1944– British Conservative politician

I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.