Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Suddenly both clanks began to chime angrily. From the lab behind them and out of the hole in the wall, swarms of small clanks poured into the hall. They paused, each group assessing the other, and then flowed towards each other, apparently eager for battle.

Agatha brought her foot down hard between the two tiny generals, the sole of her boot ringing against the stone. She flung out her hands. “STOP!” she boomed. “I am your creator and I command you to stop!”

For a moment, the two primary clanks stared upward. Then, in unison, they brought their heavy tools down upon her foot. Agatha shrieked and began hopping about, swearing like a professor with tenure. The two primary clanks ignored her and leapt at each other, doing their best to disassemble one another.

Tarvek watched critically. “Seriously. Does that ever work?”

Gil shook his head. “No. She is ahead of the game, in that she didn’t try it on a giant wolverine/snake thing with poisoned tusks.”

Tarvek nodded. “Oooh, yeah. I heard about that.”

“You’re lucky. I got it on my shoes,” said Gil.

Tarvek nudged Gil. “Hey. Look at that. The other ones obeyed her.”

It was true. The remaining clank armies had frozen in place and seemed content to watch the glorious single combat of their leaders.

Gil stroked his chin. “Another difference between the first and second generation.”

Tarvek looked at him inquiringly.

Gil continued. “You don’t think Agatha built all those, do you? I watched her working back on Castle Wulfenbach. She builds some of them herself, like those two there. Then they go and build more, and so on.”

Tarvek was impressed. “Oh. She didn’t tell me that, but it explains a lot. When I was working with her in Sturmhalten, I was kind of distracted…”

“Yeah. I’ll bet.” Gil scowled. “Anyway, the secondaries build tertiaries and so on, but subsequent generations get simpler and more crude. It’s like the later ones just don’t have…”

Tarvek stared at Gil wide-eyed. “The Spark,” he said. “She’s built a machine with the Spark?”

Gil shook his head. “No, it can’t be! Is that even possible? In some ways they’re very simple devices…”

Tarvek massaged his forehead. “But they can plan and carry out such complex functions! I’ve seen them do it!”

“I don’t know…” Gil said,“…if they acted like Sparks in other ways…”

With a clang of triumph, one of the pocket-watch clanks smacked the other across the floor. When it had skidded to a stop, the second clank pantomimed just how it would rain lightning down upon its tormentor. The first clearly indicated how its opponent’s springs were wound too tight. Their chimes shrieked as they leapt towards each other in diminutive fury. Gil and Tarvek glanced at each other and slowly nodded.

Finally Tarvek couldn’t stand it any more. He grabbed both of the little clanks and held them up. “All right,” he said sternly. “Enough of this! You two stop this right now. You’re supposed to be helping—”

Simultaneously, the little clanks pinched Tarvek’s thumbs. Hard. He gave a whoop of pain and proceeded to bang the two errant machines together several times.

Their eyes spun wildly for a moment, and then both clanks focused fearfully on Tarvek.

“I’m not enjoying this,” he lied, “but I can do it all day. Do you understand?”

The two devices looked contrite and clicked at him submissively. Gil chuckled.

Tarvek turned angrily. “What’s so funny?”

“That’s a really good impersonation of my father.”

Tarvek glared at Gil and then again addressed the two machines in his hands in a deeper, mock-serious voice. “And now I will establish an illegitimate government based on brute force, which will eventually leave you under the heel of my debauched libertine of a son, so be sure to hide all of your booze and women!”

This was the first time the little clanks had been aware that they had either booze or women. They stared back with interest.

“Hey, now, wait a minute—” Gil scowled.

Violetta burst into the room, followed by von Zinzer. “They’re gone!” she announced.

Von Zinzer looked worried. “Wulfenbach and I locked them up, but it looks like they’ve escaped.”

Tarvek looked sideways at Gil. “Wait. She was here and you left her unguarded?”

Gil was defensive. “I knocked her out with Ichor of Somnia!”

“And then left her unguarded.”

“And I locked her in an iron cage!”

“Unguarded!”

Gil threw his hands up. “Yes! We had work to do! On you!”

Agatha was shocked. “Gil? You put her in a cage? But I thought you…um…but she’s completely useless!” She looked thoughtful. “At least, she seemed useless…”

Tarvek clutched the sides of his head. “I can’t believe this!” He stared at Gil. “A powerful secret organization, one capable of hiding an army from the Baron, has been planning a slow-motion coup for years—and you completely underestimate the girl they groomed to be the Heterodyne? Practically the linchpin of the whole thing?”

“You obviously haven’t met her,” Agatha said.

“Oh, yes he has!” Gil said. “Your fake Heterodyne was Zola la Sirène Dorée!”