Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

The blow caught him completely by surprise. “You!” Tarvek roared. Then he paused and thought for a minute. “Um—Do what she says! Don’t argue!”

“Hey! What was that for?” Gil yelled.

Tarvek rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I tire of this charade!” he screamed to the air. “The Lady Heterodyne is mine! And I will prove it, by stomping this lout into the dirt!”

Gil gave a slow grin. “Oh. Yeah, I guess we can do that.”

“Oh. Oh, my. Can it be Christmas?” the Castle asked in wonder.

“Nah,” Tarvek told it. “I’m just going to senselessly pound him.”

“Ah!” The Castle thrilled. “Mindless violence! What a good boy!”

“Ho, yeah. Merry Christmas to me.” Gil gloated. His eyes were wild and his voice was resonant with the Spark. He crouched and stared at Tarvek. “It is so on.”

“Yesss! That’s the spirit!” the Castle cheered. “Oh, well done, my lady! They will both do nicely!”

A vision of Gil tossing aside Doctor Merlot’s clank flashed before Agatha’s eyes. “Tarvek! No! You don’t want to do this!”

Tarvek grinned. “Agatha! Oh, I really do! Now come! Before you flee to spare your delicate sensibilities, bestow a final favor upon your chosen warrior!” He pulled her backwards against him with one arm. “That’s me!” he stage-whispered.

Agatha whispered desperately. “You don’t understand! Gil—”

Tarvek pecked her on the cheek and whispered into her ear. “Tell Wulfenbach I won’t really hurt him. Not permanently.”

Agatha tried to turn in his arms. “No! He—”

Tarvek gallantly spun her into Gil’s arms. “Now, bid this churl farewell!” he cried.

Gil held her against him and laughed. “I’m going to turn you inside out, Sturmvarous,” he vowed. “It’ll be an improvement!”

“No!” Agatha whispered. “He says he won’t hurt you!”

Gil looked momentarily impressed. “Wow. I guess he is smart!” he growled. “Yessss! If I rip his heart out, it will solve all our problems!”

Agatha stared into Gil’s maddened face. “Ah, Gil, please don’t kill him.”

“Shh. It’ll be a great diversion!” Gil whispered.

He tossed Agatha out of the way.

“Gil!” she shouted. “You’re the one who said you’re supposed to stay calm!”

“I said relatively calm! Now stand back! I don’t want to get his blood all over you.” Gil took hold of the largest cable that connected him to Tarvek, and began to pull it toward him.

Agatha gave up. She turned to Violetta and Fraulein Snaug, who appeared to be settling in comfortably to watch the show. “Snaug, where are those parts you ferried down?”

Snaug was disappointed. “Aw…Now?”

Agatha grit her teeth. “Right now!”

Snaug dashed off. Before Agatha followed, she faced the fighters. “Don’t forget, you idiots! If you break those cables, I won’t have to kill you!”

Tarvek ignored her, and assumed a ridiculous boxer’s stance. “Ha!” he called out. “Come now, thou villain, and receive the thrashing you so richly deserve!”

Gil grinned at him lazily, and strode toward him, only to land in a crumpled heap on the ground.

“For shame, sirrah,” Tarvek said with exaggerated horror. “What are you doing? Must you always make a spectacle of yourself?”

Confused, Gil sat up. “Uh…”

Violetta blinked. “What the…”

Gil got to his feet. “I must’ve…”

“Tripped over your great clumsy feet?” Tarvek executed a mincing little shuffle step as he shadow-boxed. “Tch. At least try to face me like a gentleman.” He turned away haughtily, “Although why you should be expected to start now, I—”

Gil lunged, and his foot skidded out from under him. He crashed over a toolbox.

Tarvek looked embarrassed and offered Gil a hand up.

“I don’t believe it,” Violetta breathed.

Von Zinzer had made himself comfortable next to Violetta. He frowned. “Am I missing something?”

Gil batted Tarvek’s hand away. He spun to his feet and immediately folded back down, clutching his stomach.

“Ow!” Tarvek bleated, “My elbow! You ran right into it! Oooh! That smarts!”

Gil paused. “Wait a minute…”

“All through our training,” Violetta said in wonder, “That useless lump just sat around doodling girls and clockwork. But…those moves…” Her voice sharpened in outraged accusation. “He was paying attention after all!”

Gil looked at Tarvek as though he were seeing him for the first time. “You! You’re doing this on purpose.”

Tarvek gave a final little clownish skip and then settled into watchful stillness. “Aw! You figured it out. Much faster than I thought you would, too.”

Gil shook his head in admiration as he climbed to his feet. “Well done. You really had me fooled. I completely underestimated you.” He clapped his hands together. “And now, it’s your turn.”

Tarvek continued to grin. “What? I already got you three times! But I’ll cheerfully do it—” As he spoke, his foot snapped upward to where Gil’s face had been. But Gil had vanished. Tarvek felt a tap upon his shoulder. “No, no, no,” Gil said.

Tarvek whirled in place, his hands and feet scything through empty air.

“It’s your turn…” Gil said from near the floor.

Tarvek leapt back.

“…to underestimate…” The sound of Gil’s voice came from directly overhead.