Английский язык: самоучитель

Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, «Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.»

To which Sherlock Holmes replied, «No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!»

Restless God

in the beginning, god created Earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A Driving Debacle

a guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, «Is there a problem, Officer?»

«No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?»

He thought for a minute and said, «Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.»

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, «Oh, don't pay attention to him – he's a smart ass when he's drunk and stoned.»

The guy from the back seat said, «I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!»

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, «Are we over the border yet?»

An O'Malley Coincidence

a man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

«Why, of course,» comes the reply.

The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»

«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.

The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»

«Of course,» says the second.

Curious, the first asks, «Where in Ireland?»

«Dublin», comes the reply.

«I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin».

«Of course».

The second man can't help himself so he asks, «What school did you go to?»

«Saint Mary's», replies the first man. «I graduated in 62.»

«This is becoming unbelievable!!!» the second man said.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. «What's up?» he asks the bartender.

«Nothing much», replied the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again!»

Tongue Twisters – Скороговорки

i scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!

If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?

World Wide Web

There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Six slimy snails sailed silently.

A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!

Elizabeth 's birthday is on the third Thursday of this month.

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much

cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?

Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.

Four furious friends fought for the phone.

Learn the real language: Mood

Слова и выражения по теме «Настроение»

Хорошее настроение

I'm really buzzing! – У меня все просто здорово.

I'm having a really peachy time! – Япревосходнопровожувремя.

I'm walking on air! – Я на седьмом небе от счастья!

I'm on cloud nine! – Это просто блаженство!

I'm totally over the moon. – Ябезумносчастлив!

Everything's cool. – Все здорово (отлично)!

I haven't got a care in the world – Меня ничто не тревожит (мне не о чем беспокоиться).

Плохое настроение

I've had the week from hell. – Уменябылаужаснаянеделя.

nightmare of a week – кошмарнаянеделя

I couldn't care less. – Мне совершенно безразлично (наплевать).

He's been really edgy / on edge / snapping at everyone. – Он ужасно раздражителен (готов наброситься на кого угодно без причины).

She threw a wobbly. – Она не в себе.

I had a complete fit. – Меня не на шутку разозлили.

She blew her top. – У нее «крыша» поехала.

Oh, Daniel makes my blood boil. – Даниэль приводит меня в бешенство.

Разногласия

· They've been at each other's throats all morning. – Они все утро ссорятся.